The Care and Feeding of Your New Pet: W40K

For Warhammer fiction not strictly from either universe.

The Care and Feeding of Your New Pet: W40K

Postby Blinded » Sat Sep 07, 2013 4:10 pm

The Care and Feeding of Your New Pet Space Marine!


Thank you for shopping at the Grimdark Exotic Pet Store! Remember- Daemon, Space Marine, Ork, Eldar, Tyranid, Tau, Kroot; whatever you fancy, we have it!

Your Space Marine may start out common-large sizes range from three to five inches- but soon it will grow up to a ten inches tall! Remember that your Space Marine needs space, so keep it in a proper sized cage.

Your new Space Marine and you!

Your relationship with your new Space Marine will start as soon as you see that special one in the pet store window, but by now you should have brought him –or her… definitely HIM, home. Carefully remove your new Space Marine from the carrying case by lifting him out by the scruff of the neck with your fingers. Gloves are advised, as your new Space Marine will likely be disoriented and confused and will react with violence and/or bolters, bolt-pistols, combat knives, chain swords, chain axes, power swords, power axes, thunder hammers, frag, krak, grenades, melta charges, melta-guns, plasma guns, lighting claws, power fists and ceramite clad tiny fists. If your Space Marine does try to attack you, shake it gently while uttering a calm reprimand. Remember, if you don’t feel confident enough or your new Space Marine is your first experience with homicidal pets, you can always ask for some Blind Grenades from your local store. A bit of stunning never hurts anyone.

The Space Marines are an intelligent bunch, and they will likely hold a centuries long grudge against you for doing this- but no worries, because they already hate all non-Imperial races (and some of that too)!

Now place your Space in his pre-prepared home, which should be spacious enough to accommodate him. Preferably, the cage should be several square feet, and layered with false rocks, which can be purchased from our store. Your Space Marine should receive a name within the first few days of arriving; as it will be easier for them to recognize it. They will eventually learn to come at command, and it is possible for trainers to teach them complex tricks, such as skilled fighting on command or serving tea and cookies.
Let your new Space Marine adjust!

Your new Space Marine will need to take in his surroundings, so let him explore the rock crevices until he finds a small space to call his own and settles down. Now you should set down his food and water- not too close to his little nook, but not all the way across the cage. Let the Space Marine ‘discover’ the sustenance- it gives them a feeling of accomplishment. Now you should remove your Space Marine from the cage and let him adjust to you. First, carefully remove all of his weapons, as they tend to hide some around their body, and then let him sit in your hand for a while. Watch out for Acid Spit and keep some water at hand to wash your eyes and skin just in case.

Note: If you have bought a Space Marine Librarian or Tech-Marine (only sold to advanced trainers and definitely not breeders as the Space Marines don't breed... that's Chaos Space Marines) then you should take appropriate precautions to shield yourself from nasty tricks.

Remember, your Space Marine is a crafty fellow, and will likely try to escape. A Space Marine can disappear in your home in the blink of an eye, and if you don’t find it quickly, it won’t be long before household fall to their righteous purgation in the Emperor’s Name, and a small crusade will start under your kitchen sink and bed.

In such events, as well as any other complication, you can always consult your copy of Codex Astartes which you can find under the carrying case. Space Marines are highly predictable and you can easily predict and neutralize their adorable little genocidal campaign.

The Space Marine around your home!

A good way to make your Space Marine more comfortable is to attach a small collar and leash (Because of Space Marines aforementioned ability to spit acid it is highly advised that you use one of our standard issue adamantium-lined, mechanically anointed chapter-approved power-leashes which not only match the color of your Space Marine’s armor, but also serve as perfect counter for their acid) and lead it around your house to explore.
Do not be alarmed if your Space Marine tries to escape and curses you. This is normal behavior for a Space Marine in captivity. Do not allow your Space Marine around anything pointy, anything involving sorcery, psychic phenomena, firearms, anything dull, sharp, or with an edge, fireworks, explosives, stoves, anything furry (not wolves if you have Space Wolves), anything with hooves or paws, glass, alcohol, drugs, aliens, mutants, heretics, Chaos Space Marines, small children or tabletop or insanely masochistic RPG games. Also, never expose your Space Marine to coffee, tea, soda or anything caffeine related.

Companionship!

Space Marines are a social species, needing others of their race to play and crusade with, purge, cleanse, and kill. Be sure you learn about the Codex Astartes before introducing more into the same environment. A good group of Space Marines includes one Sergeant for every two to five Battle Brothers (based on the markings on their armor). Don’t worry if you see them walking around in funny formations and shooting at things, this is normal Space Marine interaction! When you buy a Space Marine, remember that they will usually pine without other Space Marines around. This is not always the case; a Space Marine that shuns the companionship of others should be kept in a separate cage.

It is also a good idea to allow your go about aboard his Thunderhawk (the carrying case), the Chapter’s frigate (your tricycle), Chapter’s Strike Cruiser (your Bicycle) and the Battle Barge (your car) and play with your friends pets in Crusades (pets’ day out gatherings) or at their homeworld (homes).

Be mindful that the other pets are strictly Imperial and frequently and firmly remind your new Space Marine who is the boss especially when he starts to whine about his transports not matching his Chapter Color. Kicking him with an iron-tipped boot or showing him the page in your Codex Astartes that addresses using mismatched colors (page 345261) usually does the trick.

Disciplining your Space Marine

Space Marines are intelligent creatures that are quite capable of distinguishing the difference between right and wrong. A spray bottle filled with acid is a handy tool in disciplining your Space Marine. When he does something you don’t want –spitting, talking with his mouth full, or using his flamer to draw devotional doodles on your wall- spray him with the bottle and firmly say ‘No’. Your Space Marine will quickly learn that if he is to stop this humiliating treatment, he will have to kill you in your sleep. This is why it is important to make sure the cage is shut tightly.

Your Space Marine’s needs!

Your new Space Marine is a unique creature. While he appears to be tough as nail, which makes in an ideal choice for beginners and you can put his cage just about anywhere secure enough for it to stay, including but not limited to your atomic warhead silo, loo and even your dress closet, you must remember that they, as relatively sane creatures, are not immune to mental and even bodily harm when exposed to children programs and especially something called Barney.

The cage need bot to be kept moist, warm or cold or even smell good. Also, it is a good idea to keep some toys in your Space Marine’s cage- good examples are Imperial Guardsmen and any heretical, xenos or blasphemous target of purgation or shrines dedicated to the God-Emperor of Mankind. Also, it is suggested that you do not let your space Marine sleep any more than four hours, or you may have to deal with a hyperactive little maniac for the next twenty hours.

Have fun with your new Space Marine and follow these instructions well. If you treat your Space Marine right, your relationship will blossom and grow!

At Grimdark Exotic Pet Store, all our creatures are grown wild in the expanses of the Grim Dark galaxy of far future and even the Beyond. They are then hand- harvested singly and chosen as the most excellent representatives of their race available in today’s market.
Worm and W40K are both dieing worlds, but while Worm is barely managing to avoid getting swallowed up, 40K is trying to stab Death in the eye with a chainsaw. - .IronSun.
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Re: The Care and Feeding of Your New Pet: W40K

Postby JJvagnar » Sat Sep 07, 2013 7:36 pm

I dread to imagine what Eldritch horrors are adopting Astartes as pets.
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Re: The Care and Feeding of Your New Pet: W40K

Postby Gaius Marius » Wed Oct 30, 2013 2:49 am

Hilarious.
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Re: The Care and Feeding of Your New Pet: W40K

Postby librisrouge » Wed Oct 30, 2013 6:06 am

Wow...just wooooowww!

Needs a sequel.
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Re: The Care and Feeding of Your New Pet: W40K

Postby 238232 » Fri Nov 01, 2013 6:47 am

I seem to remember this being on an older version of the Bolthole?

Good memories...
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