RiaR March/April: Shattered Dream NOW OPEN

The Bolthole's monthly 1,000 word story competition.

Re: RiaR March/April: Shattered Dream NOW OPEN

Postby Big Barney Ross » Tue Mar 22, 2011 2:15 pm

I HAD A DREAM
or
How I Learned to Stop Whining and Got a Grip

- 1114 words -



The man stood stock still, staring vacantly into space, a brooding expression on his stoic face. The space was blackness, with thick, shimmering wisps of smoke, and ripples of energy coruscating in a whirlwind of bright colours casting an eerie, ethereal light. Creatures, horrific and gibbering like hell-spawns, slinked all around the place that would drive any ordinary man screaming insane. However, this man was not ordinary, and he was not frightened; he knew the things would not do him harm. After all, the void had been his home for the last ten thousand years. A giant of a man he was, clad from head to toe in black armour, trimmed with gold and decorated with grisly ornaments – intricately wrought patterns and symbols, murderous spikes jutting outwards, and grinning skulls that hung and clattered around his waist.

He sighed dejectedly, and turned to his grotesque companion – a creature that anyone would describe as a demon, but he considered his closest friend.

„I had a dream once,“ said the man, his voice full of melancholy. The other looked at him wordlessly with the black pools that were its eyes. The demon towered over the armoured figure many times, and was vastly broader of bulk. Its limbs were tree trunks with coils of pure muscle; great horns protruded from its grisly head; keen fangs the size of a man rested in its large jaws.

“Ten thousand years ago,” continued the armoured giant as he paced back and forth, a tinge of both adoration and derision, of respect and contempt in his voice, “lived a great man, whose symbolic shadows looms over me even in this blighted place. His was a marvellous undertaking to save all of humanity which was teetering on the brink of destruction.

“But ten thousand years later, humanity is still not saved. Ten thousand years later, the life of a human is sadly crippled by the manacles of xenophobic segregation and the chains of discrimination. Ten thousand years later, the human lives on a lone island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. Ten thousand years later, the human is still languished in the corners of the galaxy and finds himself an exile in his own planet. And so I’ve come today to dramatize this shameful condition.

“When the architects of our Empire gave birth to their vision of unity, they made a promise to which every Imperial was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. It is obvious today that the Imperium has defaulted on this promissory note. Instead of honouring this obligation, the Imperium has let its people down, becoming the total opposite of what it professed. The people grind away their pitiful and insignificant lives under the oppressive regime of the fools that sit at the Senatorum Imperialis, and they gorge on whatever the propaganda machine feeds them. They bow their heads low and spend their lives on their knees dreading the day of judgement, giving all they have earned away to satisfy the tithes and fuel the machine forever more. And still they come running like wretched dogs at the call of their masters, only to pass away on a nameless planet, their death forgotten among billions of other names. Those few who dare to object are hunted down and killed as heretics and blasphemers. And at the end of the day, they consider me the villain!”

The man’s passionate voice had risen to a shout, and he was shaking his fist furiously through the air as he spoke. Even the slithering demons had stopped and were now looking curiously at the raging giant. The horned creature by his side looked around worriedly and made a motion with his massive hands, telling him to calm his wrath.

“No,” said the man shaking his head. “I appreciate your concern. But I cannot keep silent anymore. I have waited long enough, but the fierce urgency of Now presses close. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the given promises. Now is the time for the people to awake, and rise against the real evildoers.

“It would be fatal for the Imperium to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of humanity’s legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. 063.M42 is not an end, but a beginning. And those who hope that humanity needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the people return to business as usual. And there will be neither rest nor tranquility in the Imperium until the people are granted their respective rights promised to them so long ago. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our race until the bright day of justice emerges.”

The fire in the man’s eyes was suddenly extinguished, and his posture slumped. The horned creature observed him attentively; it spoke not, but compassion was evident in the black wells of his eyes. A smile of disappointment flickered on the man’s lips - the smile of a man who realizes his defeat.

He continued gravely: “I would have believed my words once, long ago. Now, I know that is naught but wishful thinking, a shattered dream that shall never come to pass. I am wiser now than I was ten thousand years ago. Back then, I saw what was to come, and took action, trying to change something. Because of it, I feel my hand was crucial in the creating of this misfortune against which I feel so strongly, no matter how noble my intentions were, and I am filled with regret. But, what is done is done. I realize now there was no use trying to change what is. Because nothing does change, my friend. Nothing does change.”

The man directed his gaze upwards to meet the eyes of his companion. The horned creature bent down, and put its large palm on the armoured giant’s shoulder. It let out a low grunt, motioning to a place in the surrounding nether-realm with its taloned thumb.

“Yes, you are right,” laughed the man heartily. “Enough of this. I should stop whining and get a grip. Now, let us grab a drink or two. Later, we can drop by old T’s place. I have heard he is having a party at the Maze.”

The horned demon grinned, nodding satisfyingly, and the two companions set off into the void.

END
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Re: RiaR March/April: Shattered Dream NOW OPEN

Postby Tyrant » Tue Mar 22, 2011 4:05 pm

cjphillips (Red Revolutions): This was an interesting little piece, well-written and I liked the child's knowledge about the Imperial aircraft. It seems unclear whether the protesters were genuinely chaos-influenced, which I think is a good way to have it, leaves it up to the reader's interpretation.

Ballistichimp (Waking): Brilliant, just brilliant. Loved this depecition of the tormented existence of a flayed one. Not sure what else there is to say!

Bane of Kings (Final Hours): There's a bit of repetition at the bginning that detracts from the piece a little bit, but overall this is a solid entry, very good indeed.

Raziel4707 (Small Victories): Referring to the clap of thunder as "dread" was a bit odd. I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for the boy, which was entirely the point I suspect!

Big Barney Ross (I Had A Dream): Well-written, if a bit too descriptive at the start. A strange piece though, I'm not quite sure what you were trying to achieve with it.
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Re: RiaR March/April: Shattered Dream NOW OPEN

Postby Raziel4707 » Tue Mar 22, 2011 4:16 pm

Right, feedback!

Squiggle, Shattered Dream.

Very nice this, watching a space marine in his ascendance and then watching his ignominious death. I guess that for every marine that rockets through the ranks and becomes a true legend, there must be hundreds, if not thousands, that fall long before they get where they are going. Well written, well paced and told in flashbacks without sucking like a vacuum cleaner with a boiled sweet, a brilliant entry. Nice to see you on the RiaR bus!

Stuart, I’m Already There.

Damn, this is a serious leap forward in your writing since I last checked out a story of yours. Sure, there are a few bits here and there that need a little polish, but you seem to be working damned hard on that sort of thing so I’m not going to insult you by making them my focus. This was a great way to tie into the theme, it was written nicely and I loved the end. The petulance and rage of his last moments were emotive and well conceived and the final line worked exactly as it should. Top banana.

Mossy, Under the Spreading Pluquat Tree (Sweet Fruit and Bitter Memories)

Didn’t see that coming! That went from a Sci-Fi Bronte novel and suddenly veered wildly back into 40K with a shriek and a bang. Really great stuff, Mossy, a real gut-wrencher of a thing to happen to the poor lovers, though I must also note that you have something of a gift for romantic fiction. I eye this with a mixture of appreciation and deep suspicion. 

Ninja101 – Shattered Dreams

A very enjoyable tale, though I must admit that I think you missed the mark with making the Eldar sound alien. That said, there were some great things about this too and I enjoyed the ending, particularly the shared experience between the Viaggiatorre and Koppig and the thought of them standing together in the name of vengeance. I think you could polish this in time for the voting and would encourage you to have another crack at the Eldar warrior’s dialogue, but otherwise I’m impressed.

Commander Shadow, The Standard At Mourning.

Now, this was great. I love the imagery of the doors, representing the Imperium that swallows men whole, never to return. That’s a damned potent metaphor and one that really suits the setting perfectly. I really felt for the little boy, though it was hardly a shock that his father had died, and then I felt for the mother as she basically stood and watched as the Imperium swallowed her son too. Very 40K, very well done.

Razhbad, Fickle Fates

Nice idea, generally well done, though there are a few bits here and there that are in need of correction. The imagery was described very effectively and the story overall was well realised, though it really didn’t feel finished, particularly given the way in which it ended. It just sort of stops. On the whole it was a good read, but would benefit greatly from a tidy up and I know that you are capable of a more articulate ending.

JDD, Business As Usual

Urgh, this was faintly disturbing, though I mean that in the way I would describe the excellent Silence of the Lambs as such, rather than Hostel, which was crap. The atmosphere in this was damned claustrophobic and harrowing and you made me really smile when “Queer Zak” and Nico died. I only hope that the assassin didn’t make his departure too quick. Great story telling requires that people suffer for their happy endings, and I think this was a prime example of how the suffering of people can make the end all the more satisfying. Truly great work, bossman.

Atlantic, The Black Knight

Very good work, Atl, with tons of action and many, many bonus points for it being WHF. I enjoyed the battle, felt my heart sink as he discovered his wife and felt for him as he thought of what had truly been taken from him. Unfortunately, I laughed at the dialogue. It just didn’t work for me at all and seemed really hammy compared to the rest of the writing. Ending was great though, and rates very highly other than the speech.

Lucy Lastic, Terriloquus

Interesting idea! I like what you say about the Mechanicus and as always this was well written and very imaginative. I wouldn’t say that there was anything to critique, though I wish you’d described how the thing looked a little bit more. For some reason I’ve got an image of Jeff Goldblum half-way through his transformation and one of the bug-wars transformers. Anyway, good work mate, use of theme was on the money and was of your usual standard. In other words, you came at it from a weird angle and made it work. Chin chin, etc.

Bane of Kings, Final Hour

Always very pleased to see a HH short in these competitions, and yours was very enjoyable. I like the way this has been paced, the way it is Loranzo reflecting on what was and what went wrong and the sense of sadness that comes with it. One gripe I do have, however, is the way that you have punctuated and structured it at times. A lot of the sentences are broken down, broken into little segments, tiny if you will, by loads of commas, bloody loads of them, and it makes it a bit, well, jerky to read. Overall though, very good and a great way to finish it off. Nice! 

CjPhillips, Red Revolutions

A sad and poignant tale this one, and I believe the first thing of yours that I have read. A cracking entry with very little action which, if anything, makes it stand out all the more from many of the other entries and for a good reason. This was eloquently written and well in keeping with the theme, very much enjoyed it and look forward to reading more of your work. This was tragic and memorable and I have a feeling it will stick in my mind, given how different it is. Spot on.

Ballistichimp, Waking

Necrotyr! That works perfectly for this. I remember reading the Necron Codex way back when and thinking that I felt really sorry for the Necrotyr, but this was way back before I was writing and I’ve not read anything by anyone else about them before either. This really captures something of the essence of a people who were truly wronged by one huge bitch-slap from the hand of fate. I find myself overusing the word harrowing these days, probably because Tyrant keeps writing nasty stories about people’s faces getting eaten off by squirrels and such, but it’s appropriate here. The thought of someone who once watched their child playing on the beach, now using the hatred of the living to cleave people apart for eternity is chilling, and I love it.

Big Barney Ross, I Had A Dream…

Interesting approach to it, and certainly one that fits with the stated theme. Certainly appears to be something of an indictment of the USA, though I’m really not of the opinion that the Imperium was founded on a bill of rights in that fashion. But either way, it was an interesting and well written piece with some highly vivid imagery. Bit of an eyebrow raiser, given how off the wall it is, but that’s no bad thing. Best of luck with the comp!
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Re: RiaR March/April: Shattered Dream NOW OPEN

Postby Raziel4707 » Tue Mar 22, 2011 4:21 pm

Tyrant: Indeed it was, so if that came across I've done something right. :)
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Re: RiaR March/April: Shattered Dream NOW OPEN

Postby Atlantic » Tue Mar 22, 2011 4:41 pm

I made a few changes. You were right about the dialogue Raz.


I will post feedback for the other stories tonight or tomorrow. Still working through them.
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Re: RiaR March/April: Shattered Dream NOW OPEN

Postby Raziel4707 » Tue Mar 22, 2011 4:51 pm

That's loads better, really simple but extremely effective. +1 awesome to your story. :)
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Re: RiaR March/April: Shattered Dream NOW OPEN

Postby Squiggle » Tue Mar 22, 2011 6:32 pm

Hey Raz, cheers for taking the time and commenting.

I will reciprocate when I get a spare moment. :D
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Re: RiaR March/April: Shattered Dream NOW OPEN

Postby Atlantic » Tue Mar 22, 2011 7:47 pm

I have comments for the stories I have gotten through so far. I still have more to read.

I have some specific suggestions for certain parts of the text. When I number a paragraph, I am numbering the double spaced sections of text.


Squiggle - Shattered Dream

This is a good story. I like the concept alot. I have a few suggestions concerning word choice that may increase the impact of the text.

3rd paragraph - may want to remove the sentence "I didn't even know who killed me". Another sentence might have more impact, or you could just remove it.

6th paragraph - I would use a different word than internship - seems too much like the modern era

25th paragraph - "eyeing" also sticks out. May want to slightly rephrase the sentence. perhaps "coveted"

37th paragraph - "therefore" also sticks out. Sentence could be looked at


Stuart - I'm Already There

This is another good concept. I think your main character knows more than he should. When you read the story aloud, it sounds as though the character is recalling his own defeat and death rather than being defeated and dying.

1st paragraph - 1st sentence is pretty long with quite a bit of detail. May be more effective to break it up.


Mossy Toes - You are quite the stylist. I am quite impressed with the elegance with which you write. I do not believe your dialogue is over the top, but when combined with the sheer elegance of your prose the first half of your story is very florid. It may be a bit too florid for some of your intended readership though. Just food for thought.

Ninja - Shattered Dreams

The eldar in this story is not an alien. The story itself would require some significant reworking to fit with a more alien character.

Commander Shadow - The Standard at Mourning

Your story is well done. You did a nice job capturing the confusion of the child, but not so much how the child would feel. He thinks a bit too clearly and does not seem to feel enough to be a completely authentic child.

Razhbad - Fickle Fates

I like the concept. The story needs proofreading.
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Re: RiaR March/April: Shattered Dream NOW OPEN

Postby Commander Shadow » Wed Mar 23, 2011 2:58 am

@ Raziel

First of all, thanks for taking the time to comment thoughtfully on everyone's story. Thank you for the critique of mine as well, its always nice to see what others think on my work.


@ Atlantic

Also, thanks for the critique. I'll try to make the changes that you mentioned. The dialogue perhaps could help make him seem more of just a kid.
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Re: RiaR March/April: Shattered Dream NOW OPEN

Postby Atlantic » Wed Mar 23, 2011 5:54 pm

JDD - Business as Usual

This is a strong story. I noted some sentences you might want to look at.

10th paragraph -
1st sentence - may want to consider breaking it up into two sentences or condensing some of the description.
2nd sentence - Think about your use of the word "when", I think the sentence could be a bit tighter
3rd sentence - Consider this sentence as well. I don't think it works well with how the previous sentence is written in the story.

15th paragraph - The word ethereal seems quite sophisticated for Nico. I think the text in this paragraph could be altered to be more "in character" for Nico's perspective.

16th paragraph - 1st sentence, take a look at "wasn't seeing". Perhaps "no longer saw" or some other similar turn of phrase would have more impact.

21st paragraph - cut "she has decided" - you could leave it out or alter the sentence. Perhaps "the time had come, the time has come, or something similar.

24th paragraph - take a look at your use of the word was - I would just use shrieked in that sentence
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Re: RiaR March/April: Shattered Dream NOW OPEN

Postby Atlantic » Wed Mar 23, 2011 7:15 pm

LL - Terriloquus

This is another very strong entry. I did some proofreading and have some language suggestions for you to consider.

1st paragraph - The 2nd and 3rd sentences could be swapped in order. It sounds very different when you read it aloud in that order

2nd paragraph - This may be more effective

Elim Brox was a patient man and a dreamer. He was the sort of man the Adeptus Mechanicus feared. Their machine hearts could not dream and they feared what they could not understand. They lacked vision; the true reason....

3rd paragraph
1st sentence - you could cut "certainly part of this category of"
last sentence - take a look at the text after the ;. You could cut the ; and replace it with "and he suspected they were for their benefit."

4th paragraph

This may be more effective

Elim was a logicitian; one of the old order of Empirical covens. He had always dreamed powerful dreams of wondrous artefacts like the mega-structure. It took extreme power and unrivalled drive to make Dr Brox’s dreams into reality. An entire system had to be sterilised and made barren. Imperial resources were misdirected and embezzled carefully, in order to acquire enough material to build the first ring. Then the vast warp coils, buried at the unstable hearts of each of the barren worlds like false pacemakers for hollow gods; feeding vast warp energies into the mounting storage coils for discharge. Normal men could not achieve these things, let alone hide them.

I highlighted your adverb. It may be more powerful to omit it or choose a different verb

5th paragraph - 1st sentence, may be better to go with "He no longer cared

14th paragraph - last sentence lines is misspelled

15th paragraph - consider the 1st sentence "only" could be cut

23rd paragraph - might want a different verb than "glared", it sticks out

27th paragraph - cut "for some reason" - perhaps "unbidden to his mouth" or some such

last sentence - you may want to make that last phrase its own sentence
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Re: RiaR March/April: Shattered Dream NOW OPEN

Postby Stuart000X » Wed Mar 23, 2011 11:10 pm

@ JDD

Business As Usual

I've just read your story, and i like the idea and concept behind it. I like how the story centres around 40k human trafficking, and how it adds that element into the 40k universe. The bit where you talk about teeth loosening was probably felt by the majority of readers, most of us having visited the dentist more than once in our life time.

I have to agree that the repetition of the "were it not" to be a slight annoyance. Otherwise, a solid story :)
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Re: RiaR March/April: Shattered Dream NOW OPEN

Postby Atlantic » Thu Mar 24, 2011 2:20 pm

2 more down

cjphillips - red revolutions

this is quite good. I have a view suggestions for you to consider

1st paragraph - 2nd sentence replace "either" with "both", cut "the" from before loyalist - try to avoid unnecessary articles too many of them clutter things up

3rd section - 1st paragraph last sentence - cut "was", just use burned or change the sentence.
2nd paragraph - take a close look at your use of the word was - these sentences could be more active

5th section - consider your use of the word was - the verbs can stand on their own, just conjugate them to make them appropriate


Chimp - Waking

This is another very strong story. I think you should take a very close look at your use of the word "was". In general using was + a verb in the present tense is unnecessary. Your verbs will stand on their own if you conjugate them and your sentences will be cleaner and have more impact.
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Re: RiaR March/April: Shattered Dream NOW OPEN

Postby Atlantic » Thu Mar 24, 2011 2:57 pm

Ok! I got through the rest

Bane of Kings - Final Hours

I think your main character is perhaps a bit too rational and knows more than he should. I also think this story may perhaps be a bit too derivative in the sense that you could swap your main character's name with Loken, Torgaddon, Vipus, etc etc and the story would be no different. I think the account should be more reflective of the character you created.


Raz - Small Victories

This was quite good. I have no real suggestions. Congrats!

Barney - I had a dream

You may want to tone down your adjectives a bit. It may be more effective to leave more detail for your readers to fill in with their own sense of imagination. The first paragraph in particular is quite an image dump.

I think the story may be based on a false premise. The Imperium of 30k is no less hierarchical and despotic than in 40k. The citizens of the 30k Imperium may have a higher standing of living and rule of law, but they don't seem to have what we would call civil rights under a classical definition of liberalism. The Imperium of 30k was awful hell bent on eradicating aliens and any sort of political independence. It was the "Great Crusade" after all.
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Re: RiaR March/April: Shattered Dream NOW OPEN

Postby Tyrant » Thu Mar 24, 2011 3:56 pm

Not This Way

(865 words)

Arun gazed down at the lasrifle on his lap, running his fingers across it slowly. He knew every inch of the weapon, every chip and scratch, with a clarity born of long familiarity. He could probably pick his weapon from a pile of similar lasrifles in complete darkness by using touch alone. His grip tightened around the stock, and for a long moment he fought back the urge to hurl it out of the Valkyrie's open hatch. He sighed.

"It wasn't supposed to be this way."

He waited, but only the howl of the wind rampaging through the Valkyrie's passenger compartment, snatching at his grey, shoulder-length hair and scouring the moisture from his eyeballs, answered him. Arun looked up and studied the other occupants of the compartment. Some stared down at the floor, others were busying themselves adjusting the equipment they were carrying, or fiddling with their weapons. Make-work, to stop themselves thinking. At the far end of the cramped space Dane was wincing as the medic wrapped a bandage around the livid wound on his bicep. Sweat was trickling down his face, his jaws clamped tight on a dirty rag to keep himself from crying out.

"It wasn't supposed to be this way," Arun repeated, and this time a few of the others glanced up. They looked at him with a mixture of irritation and shared empathy in their eyes.

"We heard you the first time," Baxter grunted. No sympathy in his gaze, only grim acceptance. But then he had never truly believed it was over. Only in death does duty end. He had said that more than once after a few too many pints of home-brew, but the words had rung hollow even then. Baxter hadn't believed that. He had simply been too cynical to accept that the Emperor was done with them, that their time to rest had finally come.

Of course, he had been right.

"We were done. We had served our time. It was....."

"Will you shut up?" That was Fenlon. He slammed the stock of his lasrifle against the floor, the clang of the impact snatched away almost immediately by the relentless wind. A couple of the others muttered something, perhaps trying to calm him down, but he ignored them.

"I mean, seriously, enough. You think we don't know? That we don't realise that we were supposed to have been finished? We know, Arun. We all frakking know. Just one problem though. Nobody told them." He pointed, his fingers quivering slightly, in the direction of the open hatch and the devastated ground beneath it.

"Maybe you should have mentioned it to them, Arun. Maybe they would have just gone away. I'm sure they would have been real sympathetic. Because the galaxy really gives a crap about you, and your dreams of a quiet retirement, and....."

"Enough." Fenlon opened his mouth to protest but Baxter glared at him, and after a few seconds he looked away. Nobody spoke for the next few minutes, each man lost in his own thoughts. The medic finished treating Dane's wound and sat back down in his seat, pulling the safety harness around his protruding stomach with some difficulty. Dane was still sweating, and Arun wondered idly if some of the enemy's poisons had got inside him. Hopefully the drug cocktail the medic had given him would stop them, otherwise Dane probably wouldn't survive another day. The others knew it too; Arun could tell from the way they carefully avoided looking at the wounded man.

The Valkyrie banked slightly to avoid a column of black smoke ascending rapidly into the sky. Something large was burning down below. From the stench in the air, Arun guessed it was a promethium refinery, which meant they were probably over Carterville. If the enemy had already made it this far, they would reach the capital in a day. They were inhumanly swift.

The sergeant stepped into the passenger compartment from the cockpit, large hands wrapped around the grab-handles set into the ceiling. "We'll be at the muster point in forty minutes, lads."

Arun's lips twitched despite himself. Lads. That word hadn't been appropriate in a long time, but force of habit die hard as far as the sarge was concerned.

"There's a large force assembling there, a big armour column too. Apparently there's even a frakking Baneblade. We'll be heading out pretty much as soon as we land, and we'll drive this scum off our world once and for all. They won't know what's hit them!"

He paused as if expecting a response, but none of them said a word. Most barely even looked at him. Arun saw a brief look of frustration on his face, which rapidly gave way to weary acceptance. The sarge knew what they were going through. How could he not? They had all shared the same dream.

"Close the damn hatch," he snapped, and went back into the cockpit. Arun leaned over and pulled the lever. In the distance he could see lights in the sky, hundreds of them, each descending rapidly towards the ground trailing smoke and fire. The fighting to come would be hard.

He was so tired.

The hatch slid shut.
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Re: RiaR March/April: Shattered Dream NOW OPEN

Postby Atlantic » Thu Mar 24, 2011 4:03 pm

Tyrant - well done!

I noticed a few things in your dialogue you may want to look at.

paragraph 9 - take a look at this sentence 'I mean, seriously, enough' - it doesn't seem 40k or appropriate for a grizzled veteran

paragraph 10 - take a look at the word "really" not sure it fits
Opportunity is missed by most people, because it wears overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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Re: RiaR March/April: Shattered Dream NOW OPEN

Postby Raziel4707 » Thu Mar 24, 2011 4:16 pm

Very nice, Ty! Love the idea of these guys thinking they were finally done with the war, only to be heading straight back into the fray without so much as a shower. Damn good.
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Re: RiaR March/April: Shattered Dream NOW OPEN

Postby Big Barney Ross » Thu Mar 24, 2011 7:22 pm

Atlantic wrote:You may want to tone down your adjectives a bit. It may be more effective to leave more detail for your readers to fill in with their own sense of imagination. The first paragraph in particular is quite an image dump.

No, not really. You may prefer your stories to be dry and bare bones, but I prefer mine to be... better.
Go home. Just go.
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Re: RiaR March/April: Shattered Dream NOW OPEN

Postby Raziel4707 » Thu Mar 24, 2011 7:25 pm

You really don't take criticism well, do you?
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Re: RiaR March/April: Shattered Dream NOW OPEN

Postby Atlantic » Thu Mar 24, 2011 7:40 pm

Guys, I don't want anyone to feel offended by any suggestions I offer. I'm just trying to post the sort of stuff I believe would be useful. As with anything these are just suggestions. I applaud you all for sharing your creativity with the rest of us.
Opportunity is missed by most people, because it wears overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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