Before i give my votes, i thought i should inform each and every person who has made an entry into this competition, of my thoughts and views on their stories. Remember, that when i give my review of your story, that it is done with a professional mind and without any intent to upset people. I speak only what i think, for how can people benefit if i don't speak what i think of the matter.
“Shattered Dream” Reviews
Shattered Dream – SquiggleThis is a very good story. I was entranced by it all the way. The start was a little slow, but once it took off it delivered a decent tale, the nice even pace adding the gripping tension to it.
The story continued to go back and forth between past and present tenses, but these changes were made obvious by the usage of italic paragraphs to describe the past and non-italic for the present.
The story had a nice build up to it too, the past description leading my attention away from what is happening in the present, and it’s only at the end that you remember that the protagonist is mortally wounded, and succumbs to his demise. Seeing his past, the rise through the ranks, and the earning of his comrades respect makes his death a bittersweet, tragic ending.
Kudos to you for allowing me to care for him, for quite often, Space Marines are often portrayed in a robotic, autonomous manner that does little in the way of portraying him as humans. You have given humanity to your character that is rarely seen amongst Space Marines.
Under the Spreading Pluquat Tree – Mossy ToesAfter reading it for what is a second time, I find that your story is better than what I last thought it was. Every bit of it was indulging on this one, perfect moment between two lovers, and to have this picturesque moment destroyed by what happens to her.
The last sentence is all that is needed to inform me of what she is and what has happened, and why. But I did thought it was a bit quick though, that she succumbed to a psychic “shock” and the Black Ship’s just appeared out of nowhere. I know they haven’t appeared then and there at that point, but from what was said, it’s saying that they’re going to be there soon without any hint as to how they know her presence. I imagine this is some sort of cliff hanger for fans of this story who want to go further, and find out by reading your main story.
The Stand of Mourning – Commander ShadowPoignant, sad and heart-wrenching, the scope of the setting was perfectly placed; large, expansive and typically SCI-FI/Warhammer oriented, full of oddities that would be out of place were it not in the universe of Warhammer 40,000.
Here and there, the scene sorted of jarred a little, but is easily understood and dismissed as we are witnessing these events from the eyes of a child, who knows know better and is at a lost of why these things are happening.
Fragile is the word I would use to describe this whole event, the humours and tears of this young boy balanced delicately on the edge of a knife, but is saved from it by his young mind and ignorance of the world and what is going on in it. The ending leaves us only with the knowledge of what is to happen, without needing to show us. Well done, a good tale indeed.
Fickle Fates – RazhbadAn interesting story, I like how it involved Alpha Legionnaires, especially if they’re from the era of the 31st millennium.
The beginning was a bit short handed; offering only face value stuff that didn’t really expand much in the way of describing anything that happened prior to this, or thereafter in the rest of the story.
Despite the fact he is a Chaos Marine I wasn’t all too keen of Farrah’s juvenile display when he came into contact with what supposed to be Omegon. I recognise that Farrah, or any Marine, would have acted like this with the potential return of their Primarch, but I didn’t feel like he behaved like a Marine. I think the reason for this is there might be an imbalance between describing Farrah as both as a Marine and his feelings and behaviour. But it was a good attempt
Business as Usual – J D DunsanyA good story, the shattered dream being the loss of the “merchandise”, of profit, and life as well. A little odd that an Imperial assassin would target a small time crook, unless the assassin is affiliated to someone else? A good story like i said. Well done
The Black Knight – AtlanticI like this story, I thought it was a nice imagine inducing tale that gave plenty of descriptions of battle, death and carnage, but I thought the story was a bit one dimensional; what you see is what you get with no twist in the mixing bowl.
I thought the name Martan was said on a very repetitive basis.. I know the story is from a third person angel; we watching the whole story from afar, and to identify the person his name needs to be mentioned, but I think it was done too often. You don’t need to constantly say the character’s name. If he is the main protagonist in the story, the need to identify him by his name in the amount of times done is not necessary, unless there were more than one person who was hogging the limelight. Otherwise, you can simply refer to by appearance, or something or other.
A good story though, I would lying if I didn’t say I didn’t like it
Terriloquus – LordLucanYet again you have made another story that fits well into the universe of Warhammer 40k, but have found a new way of implanting more oddities to this already weird setting.
Besides a few spelling and grammar errors (the second sentence of the first paragraph lacking a comma, I needed an air mask to refill my depleted lungs by the end of it

)
I would say that in terms of story content, and the descriptions you’ve delivered, I would say this story will stand out a little. A good small piece if you’re trying to sell your story.
Red Revolutions – cjphillipsA pretty cool title for your story, and it remained true throughout. It was indeed a “Red Revolution”. I like how the story kept going back and forth from different points of views, between the protestors and the encroaching PDF or other. This story reminds me of that film with James Nesbitt, when he played an Irishman that led a protest in Northern Ireland, but were gunned down by British Soldiers. There is a comparison there.
“The Ministry of Interior Defence” doesn’t sound too 40k I think, too close to home in the present times than an actual organisation of the 41st millennium. There are two stories going on here that involve the monthly theme word, A) the boy that gets shot, and B) the shattering of the peaceful protest. Both ideas are good, but I felt that because each was divided up and given their equal moment to shine, I don’t think they took off as well as they could. I would have suggested focusing on one aspect, and developing it. I would actually suggest that you, if you’re inclined, that worked on the tragedy of the child while working the protest in the back ground a little, but that is just my personal opinion
Well done
Waking – BallistichimpWhat a superb tale! This was a brilliant read, the ending validating the built up of tension, and I say this with great affection. It’s also quite distinguishable.
Except for a few minor grammar errors; not enough commas, this story is by far one of the best, and will be a tough contender to beat.
Great work!
Final Hours – Bane of KingsGood stuff, I like when the stories are centred around the Horus Heresy, or prior to that.
Reading through it I found spelling and grammar errors as I went.
Might be just a formality because you posted on the forum and had either forgotten or didn’t know how to do it (it took me a while to work out the codes) but when you write about a ship, and refer to it by name, it should be written in
italic. On the forum, in case you don’t know the code system, just highlight the word or words, and click italic, and the codes will be put onto the word for it be posted in the way you want, and that includes if you want it
bold,
underlined, or something else.
It says in the story “the taint has spread deeper than these four legions”, how does he know that? At that point, the majority of the Imperials only know of these four legions betrayal. Also, at this moment, the World Eaters would have most likely still worn blue and white pre-heresy armour. Red didn’t become the legion’s colour until afterward this, even as late as post- Horus Herey, unless the warriors are red from blood and gore, which isn’t mentioned.
Well done
Small Victories – Raziel4707Interesting, saving a child’s soul by killing him? How horrifically good he was at his job. I liked the story, the flow from start to finish quite quickly. The beginning was confusing and fragmented, but it all made sense as it all came together at the very end.
Good job.
I Had A Dream – Big Barney RossA few grammar and spelling errors “in 40k, “demon” is spelt with an A in it “daemon” for every time it is used in every context. In the 41st millennium there aren’t any exceptions to the rule.
It has been mentioned earlier by other readers, but the Imperium of 31st millennium was as depressive and oppressive as it is now, the only difference between then and now was the golden age of the Great Crusade. Led by the Emperor and his Primarchs, and the spread of the Imperial Truth, it was more or less a time of jubilation, the conquest of the galaxy a good morale booster throughout, but that shouldn’t gloss away the reality of life in the Imperium for the ordinary citizen, depending where he lived. In short, it was the same as it was now, except there was hope, and the mighty Space Marines were incorruptible.
The Black Legionnaire (I presume that is what he is?) is ranting on about the unfairness of the Imperium to its people. First, being a Chaos Marine it would be unlikely he would care for anyone else other than his own skin. Second, his rant about “of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” is something that a presidential candidate would say. Is he running for the oval office?

Furthermore, the way he says his piece, it is as if he were a teenager; he’s got a lot of bright ideas and a lot to say, but doesn’t have the experience to say it properly.
I’m not putting the whole thing down, is just when you write a Warhammer story (or any story for that matter) you can be flexible, but you need to keep to within a strict boundary that is facts and lore. When you write, you have to imagine that your intended reader knows everything about the subject i.e. Warhammer, and if it’s out of place, the reader will pick up on that.
But saying that, I applaud the emotive language you use for the speech the character gives, quite emotive indeed.
Best of luck!
Not This Way – TyrantThis sort of tale reminds me of the film
Platoon, when its not about the war or the conflict, but rather the internal conflict between soldiers in arms. I liked it; I liked how it was done without the involvement of carnage or gunshots. By comparison, I would say it was as civilised as it could get under the circumstances.
Well done.
The Flask – JelboyIn regards to your formatting issue, to
underline,
italic,
bold, or centre words, or enlarge or shrink letters or words, I find if you double click the word, and/or highlight the sentence, then you click the function you want done to it as prescribed above the text box (the place where you place your work into) and the codes automatically are placed on that particular highlighted text, thus placing the desired affect on them.
A very good tale, this story just oozes with corruption and unpleasantness, but so far out of the entries (including mine) this is the only story that has any form of humour or comedy in it, in reference to the pieman, and use of many phrases and descriptions of the Ogryn anecdote.
Besides needing a good polish on some of the grammar, the ending left me wanting to know who the marine was. Is he an ultramarine? Is he a renegade? Is he a Chaos Marine? There’s no clear answer. Perhaps, maybe not for the benefit of the character, but for the reader, you could have mentioned a moment when the protagonist sees an emblem or something that identifies the marine’s heritage.
For humour and good taste in setting, I’d be hard pressed to easily forget this story. Well done.
The Sound of Wings – EremiteA cool story, more of a horror story than SCI-FI. It was like
Nightmare on Elm Street meets Warhammer. I quite liked it, I thought it was enjoyable, and there weren’t any errors I could see that would blemish it.
Very well done indeed.
Dreams – ninja101It might have been unintentional, but I found that the last and first sentence of paragraph 2 and 3 funny, for all the wrong reasons.
“Do you really wish to hear the ramblings of an old man?”
“Of course, father” 
don’t try and make him feel better why don’t you?
“Yes, I would like to hear you ramble.” But anyway, I thought the story was okay, but I thought it was let down by what I thought was a diluted, watered down view of Terra. It didn’t feel like it got into any sort of stride, of retelling a past story from the point of view of the old. It felt like, despite how huge and impressive of a place it was, it wasn’t conveyed enough in the story, though you did make mentions of the Imperial Palace and so forth.
There were a few grammars and spelling errors i.e. wonder is spelt wander, the first suggesting he was deep in thought about something, rather than walking about.
Good job