RiaR: Shattered Dream VOTING THREAD

The Bolthole's monthly 1,000 word story competition.

RiaR: Shattered Dream VOTING THREAD

Postby J D Dunsany » Thu Mar 31, 2011 7:47 pm

VOTING IS NOW OPEN

Thank you to ninja101 for his timely PM. He's put forward his second story 'Dreams' for consideration for voting. The story thread can be found here. The only two stories to ignore are Bane of Kings' first version of 'Final Hours' and ninja101's story 'Shattered Dreams'. I'll edit the posts containing those stories with a gentle reminder of that fact shortly.

Right. Voting. Same as before, really. You have 4 votes to cast and you need to do so by posting your preferences in descending order - your first choice is listed first, second choice is listed second etc. Points will be awarded in the following manner:

1st place will get 5 points
2nd place will get 3 points
3rd place will get 2 points
4th place will get 1 point

The votes will be totaled up at the end of the competition and the winner (or winners) crowned and their story (or stories) enshrined in the winners' thread. In the event of a tie, all tied entries will win and earn a place in the thread.

Please be clear in your voting and please use all your votes. RiaR did used to have just 3 votes available, but I like the idea of a 4th vote as it gives readers the opportunity of recognizing more writers.

If you have any questions, feel free to post them here. If you haven't already commented on the story thread, feel free to do so here.

The voting deadline is 2100BST on Sunday 10th April. The story list can be found below.

Let the voting begin!

JDD
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Re: RiaR: Shattered Dream VOTING THREAD

Postby J D Dunsany » Thu Mar 31, 2011 7:48 pm

REVISED STORY LIST (with gratitude to Stuart000x for doing the vast majority of the legwork on this!)

Story Index


Page 1


Shattered Dream – Squiggle

I’m Already There – Stuart000X

Under the Spreading Pluquat Tree (Sweet Fruit and Bitter Memories) - Mossy Toes



Page 2


The Standard of Mourning – Commander Shadow

Fickle Fates – Razhbad

Business As Usual – J D Dunsany

The Black Knight – Atlantic

Terriloquus – LordLucan



Page 3


Red Revolutions – cjphillips

Waking – Ballistichimp

Final Hours (Suggested version) The – Bane Of Kings

Small Victories – Raziel4707



Page 4


I HAD A DREAM or How I Learned to Stop Whining and Got a Grip – Big Barny Ross

Not This Way – Tyrant



Page 5


The Flask – Jelboy

The Sound of Wings – Eremite

Dreams - ninja101
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Re: RiaR: Shattered Dream VOTING THREAD

Postby Stuart000X » Thu Mar 31, 2011 9:17 pm

For the next RiaR competition, will you be given a forewarning of what the themeword is going to be? I quite like as it gives me time to build ideas, and make a good story.
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Re: RiaR: Shattered Dream VOTING THREAD

Postby J D Dunsany » Thu Mar 31, 2011 9:21 pm

Yes, Stu. The next keyword will be announced (probably) over the weekend. :)

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Re: RiaR: Shattered Dream VOTING THREAD

Postby Stuart000X » Fri Apr 01, 2011 12:24 am

J D Dunsany wrote:Yes, Stu. The next keyword will be announced (probably) over the weekend. :)

JDD


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Re: RiaR: Shattered Dream VOTING THREAD

Postby Tyrant » Fri Apr 01, 2011 6:39 pm

It was a tough choice between first and second this month!

1) Ballistichimp: Waking

2) Eremite: The Sound of Wings

3) Commander Shadow: The Standard at Mourning

4) Stuart000X: I'm Already There
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Re: RiaR: Shattered Dream VOTING THREAD

Postby Stuart000X » Sat Apr 02, 2011 12:29 am

Before i give my votes, i thought i should inform each and every person who has made an entry into this competition, of my thoughts and views on their stories. Remember, that when i give my review of your story, that it is done with a professional mind and without any intent to upset people. I speak only what i think, for how can people benefit if i don't speak what i think of the matter.

“Shattered Dream” Reviews


Shattered Dream – Squiggle

This is a very good story. I was entranced by it all the way. The start was a little slow, but once it took off it delivered a decent tale, the nice even pace adding the gripping tension to it.

The story continued to go back and forth between past and present tenses, but these changes were made obvious by the usage of italic paragraphs to describe the past and non-italic for the present.

The story had a nice build up to it too, the past description leading my attention away from what is happening in the present, and it’s only at the end that you remember that the protagonist is mortally wounded, and succumbs to his demise. Seeing his past, the rise through the ranks, and the earning of his comrades respect makes his death a bittersweet, tragic ending.

Kudos to you for allowing me to care for him, for quite often, Space Marines are often portrayed in a robotic, autonomous manner that does little in the way of portraying him as humans. You have given humanity to your character that is rarely seen amongst Space Marines.

Under the Spreading Pluquat Tree – Mossy Toes

After reading it for what is a second time, I find that your story is better than what I last thought it was. Every bit of it was indulging on this one, perfect moment between two lovers, and to have this picturesque moment destroyed by what happens to her.

The last sentence is all that is needed to inform me of what she is and what has happened, and why. But I did thought it was a bit quick though, that she succumbed to a psychic “shock” and the Black Ship’s just appeared out of nowhere. I know they haven’t appeared then and there at that point, but from what was said, it’s saying that they’re going to be there soon without any hint as to how they know her presence. I imagine this is some sort of cliff hanger for fans of this story who want to go further, and find out by reading your main story.

The Stand of Mourning – Commander Shadow

Poignant, sad and heart-wrenching, the scope of the setting was perfectly placed; large, expansive and typically SCI-FI/Warhammer oriented, full of oddities that would be out of place were it not in the universe of Warhammer 40,000.

Here and there, the scene sorted of jarred a little, but is easily understood and dismissed as we are witnessing these events from the eyes of a child, who knows know better and is at a lost of why these things are happening.

Fragile is the word I would use to describe this whole event, the humours and tears of this young boy balanced delicately on the edge of a knife, but is saved from it by his young mind and ignorance of the world and what is going on in it. The ending leaves us only with the knowledge of what is to happen, without needing to show us. Well done, a good tale indeed.

Fickle Fates – Razhbad

An interesting story, I like how it involved Alpha Legionnaires, especially if they’re from the era of the 31st millennium.

The beginning was a bit short handed; offering only face value stuff that didn’t really expand much in the way of describing anything that happened prior to this, or thereafter in the rest of the story.

Despite the fact he is a Chaos Marine I wasn’t all too keen of Farrah’s juvenile display when he came into contact with what supposed to be Omegon. I recognise that Farrah, or any Marine, would have acted like this with the potential return of their Primarch, but I didn’t feel like he behaved like a Marine. I think the reason for this is there might be an imbalance between describing Farrah as both as a Marine and his feelings and behaviour. But it was a good attempt :D

Business as Usual – J D Dunsany

A good story, the shattered dream being the loss of the “merchandise”, of profit, and life as well. A little odd that an Imperial assassin would target a small time crook, unless the assassin is affiliated to someone else? A good story like i said. Well done :)

The Black Knight – Atlantic

I like this story, I thought it was a nice imagine inducing tale that gave plenty of descriptions of battle, death and carnage, but I thought the story was a bit one dimensional; what you see is what you get with no twist in the mixing bowl.

I thought the name Martan was said on a very repetitive basis.. I know the story is from a third person angel; we watching the whole story from afar, and to identify the person his name needs to be mentioned, but I think it was done too often. You don’t need to constantly say the character’s name. If he is the main protagonist in the story, the need to identify him by his name in the amount of times done is not necessary, unless there were more than one person who was hogging the limelight. Otherwise, you can simply refer to by appearance, or something or other.

A good story though, I would lying if I didn’t say I didn’t like it :)

Terriloquus – LordLucan

Yet again you have made another story that fits well into the universe of Warhammer 40k, but have found a new way of implanting more oddities to this already weird setting.

Besides a few spelling and grammar errors (the second sentence of the first paragraph lacking a comma, I needed an air mask to refill my depleted lungs by the end of it :P)

I would say that in terms of story content, and the descriptions you’ve delivered, I would say this story will stand out a little. A good small piece if you’re trying to sell your story.

Red Revolutions – cjphillips

A pretty cool title for your story, and it remained true throughout. It was indeed a “Red Revolution”. I like how the story kept going back and forth from different points of views, between the protestors and the encroaching PDF or other. This story reminds me of that film with James Nesbitt, when he played an Irishman that led a protest in Northern Ireland, but were gunned down by British Soldiers. There is a comparison there.

“The Ministry of Interior Defence” doesn’t sound too 40k I think, too close to home in the present times than an actual organisation of the 41st millennium. There are two stories going on here that involve the monthly theme word, A) the boy that gets shot, and B) the shattering of the peaceful protest. Both ideas are good, but I felt that because each was divided up and given their equal moment to shine, I don’t think they took off as well as they could. I would have suggested focusing on one aspect, and developing it. I would actually suggest that you, if you’re inclined, that worked on the tragedy of the child while working the protest in the back ground a little, but that is just my personal opinion :)

Well done :D

Waking – Ballistichimp

What a superb tale! This was a brilliant read, the ending validating the built up of tension, and I say this with great affection. It’s also quite distinguishable.

Except for a few minor grammar errors; not enough commas, this story is by far one of the best, and will be a tough contender to beat.

Great work!

Final Hours – Bane of Kings

Good stuff, I like when the stories are centred around the Horus Heresy, or prior to that.

Reading through it I found spelling and grammar errors as I went.

Might be just a formality because you posted on the forum and had either forgotten or didn’t know how to do it (it took me a while to work out the codes) but when you write about a ship, and refer to it by name, it should be written in italic. On the forum, in case you don’t know the code system, just highlight the word or words, and click italic, and the codes will be put onto the word for it be posted in the way you want, and that includes if you want it bold, underlined, or something else.

It says in the story “the taint has spread deeper than these four legions”, how does he know that? At that point, the majority of the Imperials only know of these four legions betrayal. Also, at this moment, the World Eaters would have most likely still worn blue and white pre-heresy armour. Red didn’t become the legion’s colour until afterward this, even as late as post- Horus Herey, unless the warriors are red from blood and gore, which isn’t mentioned.

Well done :)

Small Victories – Raziel4707

Interesting, saving a child’s soul by killing him? How horrifically good he was at his job. I liked the story, the flow from start to finish quite quickly. The beginning was confusing and fragmented, but it all made sense as it all came together at the very end.

Good job.

I Had A Dream – Big Barney Ross

A few grammar and spelling errors “in 40k, “demon” is spelt with an A in it “daemon” for every time it is used in every context. In the 41st millennium there aren’t any exceptions to the rule.

It has been mentioned earlier by other readers, but the Imperium of 31st millennium was as depressive and oppressive as it is now, the only difference between then and now was the golden age of the Great Crusade. Led by the Emperor and his Primarchs, and the spread of the Imperial Truth, it was more or less a time of jubilation, the conquest of the galaxy a good morale booster throughout, but that shouldn’t gloss away the reality of life in the Imperium for the ordinary citizen, depending where he lived. In short, it was the same as it was now, except there was hope, and the mighty Space Marines were incorruptible.

The Black Legionnaire (I presume that is what he is?) is ranting on about the unfairness of the Imperium to its people. First, being a Chaos Marine it would be unlikely he would care for anyone else other than his own skin. Second, his rant about “of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” is something that a presidential candidate would say. Is he running for the oval office? :D Furthermore, the way he says his piece, it is as if he were a teenager; he’s got a lot of bright ideas and a lot to say, but doesn’t have the experience to say it properly.

I’m not putting the whole thing down, is just when you write a Warhammer story (or any story for that matter) you can be flexible, but you need to keep to within a strict boundary that is facts and lore. When you write, you have to imagine that your intended reader knows everything about the subject i.e. Warhammer, and if it’s out of place, the reader will pick up on that.

But saying that, I applaud the emotive language you use for the speech the character gives, quite emotive indeed.

Best of luck! :D

Not This Way – Tyrant

This sort of tale reminds me of the film Platoon, when its not about the war or the conflict, but rather the internal conflict between soldiers in arms. I liked it; I liked how it was done without the involvement of carnage or gunshots. By comparison, I would say it was as civilised as it could get under the circumstances.

Well done. :)

The Flask – Jelboy

In regards to your formatting issue, to underline,italic,bold, or centre words, or enlarge or shrink letters or words, I find if you double click the word, and/or highlight the sentence, then you click the function you want done to it as prescribed above the text box (the place where you place your work into) and the codes automatically are placed on that particular highlighted text, thus placing the desired affect on them.

A very good tale, this story just oozes with corruption and unpleasantness, but so far out of the entries (including mine) this is the only story that has any form of humour or comedy in it, in reference to the pieman, and use of many phrases and descriptions of the Ogryn anecdote.

Besides needing a good polish on some of the grammar, the ending left me wanting to know who the marine was. Is he an ultramarine? Is he a renegade? Is he a Chaos Marine? There’s no clear answer. Perhaps, maybe not for the benefit of the character, but for the reader, you could have mentioned a moment when the protagonist sees an emblem or something that identifies the marine’s heritage.

For humour and good taste in setting, I’d be hard pressed to easily forget this story. Well done. :lol:

The Sound of Wings – Eremite

A cool story, more of a horror story than SCI-FI. It was like Nightmare on Elm Street meets Warhammer. I quite liked it, I thought it was enjoyable, and there weren’t any errors I could see that would blemish it.

Very well done indeed. :P

Dreams – ninja101

It might have been unintentional, but I found that the last and first sentence of paragraph 2 and 3 funny, for all the wrong reasons.

“Do you really wish to hear the ramblings of an old man?”

“Of course, father”


:lol: don’t try and make him feel better why don’t you? “Yes, I would like to hear you ramble.”

But anyway, I thought the story was okay, but I thought it was let down by what I thought was a diluted, watered down view of Terra. It didn’t feel like it got into any sort of stride, of retelling a past story from the point of view of the old. It felt like, despite how huge and impressive of a place it was, it wasn’t conveyed enough in the story, though you did make mentions of the Imperial Palace and so forth.

There were a few grammars and spelling errors i.e. wonder is spelt wander, the first suggesting he was deep in thought about something, rather than walking about.

Good job 
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Re: RiaR: Shattered Dream VOTING THREAD

Postby Stuart000X » Sat Apr 02, 2011 10:31 am

And my votes are as follows.

1. Waking – Ballistichimp

I thought this story was really something unique and special. By far the only one that has the point of view of a Necron. Effort and craftsmanship has one into making this story, and it shows, hence why I place this as my top story for votes.

2. Shattered Dream – Squiggle

I liked this story; I thought that there was an enriched human quality not often seen in Space Marine stories. The tenses were written well enough, each given their signature style using italic and non-italic paragraphs. And there was a sort of tragedy to it, you’re witnessing the death of a Space Marine but his life flashes before his eyes, as they say. Good stuff :)

3. The Standard of Mourning – Commander Shadow

If the expression “food for thought” was used for this story, I would say this is a banquet, with a lot of good imagery; all of it weird and wonderful and pretty normal stuff in the 41st millennium. There is sadness to this story, as you the reader quickly learn of what is to come, and so forth, but the child remains ignorant of it all. Well done :D.

4. The Sound of Wings – Eremite

Looking at the format of this story, I would say this is more of a memoir of a past event of sorts, than a story. In a broad manner, it explained of the event that had occurred, and going through it chronologically from start to finish. The horror feel to it was quite potent, the enemy that the Space Marines could not beat because it was inside their heads. Really great stuff if I must say. :D
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Re: RiaR: Shattered Dream VOTING THREAD

Postby Big Barney Ross » Sat Apr 02, 2011 1:42 pm

I wouldn't want to stray of topic much, but since Stuart000X went through the trouble of offering an extensive review of everyone's work, I just felt compelled to answer in regards to my story in particular.

I agree with Stuart000X one hundred percent. I had no intention of entering this or any other RiaR competition, but when I saw the theme 'Shattered Dream' I just couldn't resist, and the result was "I Had a Dream". The story looks out of place and awkward because it is precisely that. The story is 'off' because it was in fact written as a comedy / parody.

I actually thought someone would pick this up immediately, but since no one mentioned it yet, here goes: The Black Legionnaire's speech (basically, his whole monologue / rant) was mostly lifted from Martin Luther King's famous 'I have a Dream' speech, with a few 40K alterations to make it fit as best I could. Also, the Black Legionnaire is in fact Horus himself, the deamon is Khorne, the two now very close buddies after spending 10 millennia in the Warp. :)
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Re: RiaR: Shattered Dream VOTING THREAD

Postby Stuart000X » Sat Apr 02, 2011 2:22 pm

Big Barney Ross wrote:I wouldn't want to stray of topic much, but since Stuart000X went through the trouble of offering an extensive review of everyone's work, I just felt compelled to answer in regards to my story in particular.

I agree with Stuart000X one hundred percent. I had no intention of entering this or any other RiaR competition, but when I saw the theme 'Shattered Dream' I just couldn't resist, and the result was "I Had a Dream". The story looks out of place and awkward because it is precisely that. The story is 'off' because it was in fact written as a comedy / parody.

I actually thought someone would pick this up immediately, but since no one mentioned it yet, here goes: The Black Legionnaire's speech (basically, his whole monologue / rant) was mostly lifted from Martin Luther King's famous 'I have a Dream' speech, with a few 40K alterations to make it fit as best I could. Also, the Black Legionnaire is in fact Horus himself, the deamon is Khorne, the two now very close buddies after spending 10 millennia in the Warp. :)


By all accounts its a good parody :)
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Re: RiaR: Shattered Dream VOTING THREAD

Postby Eremite » Sat Apr 02, 2011 5:44 pm

Some comments on the stories I hadn't read and commented on before...

Final Hour by Bane of Kings
Powerful stuff, I thought, with a heavy use of the theme (it’s a theme which permeates the Heresy in general, really –the death of hope, a shattered dream of utopia, so good choice!). ‘Elements of Four Legions’ was a fun phrase to take out of context. Loranzo does seem a little too knowledgeable about what’s going on, and yes, World Eaters shouldn’t be in red (though the cover artwork on Tales of the Heresy has them in red...)

Red Revolutions by CJPhillips
This one felt very much inspired by the real world. People killing one another in the name of the same god, protest put down violently... I liked the sniper’s conscience and the echoing of the Sergeant’s red horned daemon comment in the statue.

Waking by Ballistichimp
A very dreamlike, jumpy POV (which is a good thing, as the Necron is dreaming of the past and jumping between the dream and reality). I loved the reveal and the fact that the Necron is aware of things like temperature but can’t truly feel them. The hatred, jealousy and the sense of imprisonment in the metal body are wonderfully palpable, though I feel you could have brought it in a little sooner and taken it a little bit further.

Small Victories by Raz
You capitalised Eldar. My grammatical campaign continues... I found the opening section a wee bit over-descriptive, which crept in here and there later on. I did very much like the revelation of the Inquisitor come to save the boy and destroy the dreamworld he’d created. Reminded me of the sequence in Abnett’s Xenos with that xeno archaeologist (Malachite?)

I Had A Dream – Big Barney Ross
I confess – like everyone else, apparently –I didn’t spot that this was a parody of MLK’s speech even with the deliberately jocular end. Shame on me.

Not This Way by Tyrant
Characterisation and atmosphere at its finest. Like way you combined the monthly theme with 40K’s omnipresent war theme. I liked the vagueness of it – we don’t know what they fight or where they are, they’re just the eternal guardsmen of the 41st millennium getting screwed over again.

The Flask by Jelboy
I really liked the setting of this one – a Chaos hive with a strong Victorian flavour to it. Atmospheric, effective and very 40K. Some nice phrasings, let down by the occasional slip-up. Personally I have no issue with the marine’s reasoning, though I question how hivescum came to possess such specific knowledge about different Astartes Chapters/Legions. The Collector’s chosen sobriquet is nice, but makes me think of Mass Effect 2...

Dreams by Ninja101
You seem to have a habit of placing commas after speech marks “like this”, for speech. Commas should be inside them for speech (though not for a quotation). A good sense of the scale of the Imperium and of course Terra itself. I liked the theme of doubt in the Emperor’s design even among the pious and I kinda wish that had been explored more. A nice narrative, though! Glad you chose this one over Shattered Dreams

***

1st - Terriloquus by LL

2nd - Not Like This by Tyrant

3rd - The Standard at Mourning by Commander Shadow

4th -Waking by Ballistichimp


Honourable mentions to JDD and Mossy, who were just edged out there...
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Re: RiaR: Shattered Dream VOTING THREAD

Postby Bane Of Kings » Sat Apr 02, 2011 8:21 pm

Okay, due to me being not very helpful when it comes to feedback, I've decided to just list who I think have the best stories.

First: Stuart000X: I'm Already There
Second: Eremite: The Sound of Wings
Third: Squiggle: Shattered Dream
Fourth: J D Dunsany: Business as Usual


Also, thanks to the folks who commented on Final Hours :).
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Re: RiaR: Shattered Dream VOTING THREAD

Postby Jelboy » Sun Apr 03, 2011 1:46 pm

Some seriously good stories this month, I'm quite sure that re-reading them at another time and another mood could have led to a rejig of my voting for the first 6.

... and thanks to forthcoming (and given) comments on my entry. Perhaps I should have run my story past one of the regulars here first for critique (or is that cheating?) :?:

Voting:

1st Raziel4707 - small victories
2nd Commander Shadow - The standard at mourning
3rd Sound of wings - Eremite
4th Waking - Ballistchimp

Squiggle - shattered dreams
A well written tale that holds my suspension of disbelief for much of the 1150 words. A biography of a very ambitious marine, who ultimately feels he's failed. The strength of the marines ambition had me wondering whether the Night Scars were Chaos, but no, you are showing us that Loyalists can have more than cardboard crewcut characters.

Stuart 000X – I'm already there
Another tale of a dying astarte's disillusionment. Some great ideas: aftermath of the battle at the Imperial palace on Terra, the sensation of loss when one's daemon departs, etc. A few places where the sentences didn't 'sound' quite right, 'inhale a bit', but generally a very enjoyable read.

Mossy Toes – Under the Spreading Pluquat Tree (Sweet Fruit and Bitter Memories)
An interesting take on the Warhammer 40k universe, from the angle of people who live on a human (but alien world). The tale feels fantasy, for much of its length, and even the psychic powers could be the result of warhammer fantasy. The great ending clarifies all.


Commander Shadow – The Standard at mourning
Extremely well told, poignant tale. Some great world building of the, far from where wars against the aliens occur. Everything held together so well, no seams to see.

Razbhad – Fickle Fate
Ohh, Alpha Legion. Are these good cells, I'm sure there are some real loyal cells out there somewhere. Hmm heretical cells, but still interesting. A cell looking for their Primarch. Good idea. I read eagerly to learn what had happened to the Primarch... and I will continue to have to wait to learn of his (their?) whereabouts. This story could have had a bit more editing. Does fog glisten?

J D Dunsany – Business as usual
Very imaginative view of an underhive, combines with a cyperpunk feel to create a great story. A twist of an ending raises the story a notch further and makes me wonder if this is part of a series of shorts (or even an excerpt from a novel).

Atlantic – the Black Night
Ah, Warhammer. Bretonnia? Good fighting, good action scenes as the knights charge and deliver harsh death to the enemy. I found the sudden realization that his wife had been attacked, a bit swift, and a little rushed. Aside from that, enjoyable.


Lord Lucan - Terriloquus
A great show of scale, both in time and engineering. A whole new Primarch, to be created by a heretical admech? A suitable negative Warhammer 40k ending... that could lead on to other stories for this daemonic humanlike beast?

Red Revolutions by CJPhilips

An interesting tale based on current real events in our world. How one persons perception of something could be very different from another's perception. Well done!


Waking by Ballistchimp

A few issues with adjective use, but otherwise a great tale from Necron POV. The shifting from memories and sensations of old to the, cold clear viewpoint of a necron ,and the distaste of life that accompanies it.


Final Hours by Bane of Kings
Nice story by a beleaguered loyal astartes from one of the heretical chapters.


Small Victories by Raziel4707
I'm not sure if the battle occurred in the warp or in some psychic mindspace, but I thought this was a fantastic story and gave a hint at the kind of stories that could occur in the Eye of Terror where reality is infused with sorcery. I particularly like the mention of the loyalist psychic's voice being serpentine, hinting at him being the evil one (serpentine was associated with daemons in '1000 sons' novel.



I had a dream by Big Barney Ross
I liked this, except the bit at the end which goes, 'lets have a pint now', changing the whole tone of the piece and implying the story was just done 'for fun'.


Not this way by Tyrant
Not too keen on this bit: "Enough."
Fenlon opened his mouth to protest but Baxter glared at him, and after a few seconds he looked away. Nobody spoke for the next few minutes,
But the rest was just so well written, detailed narrative description, good use of the senses and realistic characterization and dialogue. Well done!

The sound of wings by Eremite
Fantastic creative idea that links well with established aspects of an astartes physiology, all wrapped up in some brilliant writing.


Ninja 101 - Dreams
Not too keen on the young man/old man usage at the start, but the other than that, the story was excellent and held a great vision of a man's pilgrimage to terra and subsequent disillusionment.
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Re: RiaR: Shattered Dream VOTING THREAD

Postby coydna » Mon Apr 04, 2011 7:03 pm

Gutted though I am, for not entering this month, looking at the calibre of the entries I also feel a teeny bit inferior. But anyway, my nominations are:

1 - Eremite - The Sound of Wings. This is many levels of greatness. Tragic, dark, a little bit scary. And constant. You feel the building pressure of the marine's plight up to the final, unsettling conclusion. Make a story, or I'll find you and make you.

2. JDD - Business as Usual. Great story, loved the assassin-noble. I love the fact she decided to use a lead pipe at the end. It feels a bit more persona considering what's inplied by the 'inspection'. Even assassin's can feel hate, it seems.

3. Squiggle - Shattered Dream. Poignant, tragic really personal. Great stuff.

4. Ballistic Chimp - Waking. A great twist at the end, after a expected reveal. 'I know he's dreaming, so I know where this is goin- wait, that's not right!' The darkness and hate of the nerons was really well done.

Honourable mention to Commander Shadow and Stuart who were on my list as well, and cheers to all the entrants for giving us great stories to read!

PS - This post was sponsored by the word 'great'.
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Re: RiaR: Shattered Dream VOTING THREAD

Postby Stuart000X » Mon Apr 04, 2011 8:22 pm

coydna wrote:Gutted though I am, for not entering this month, looking at the calibre of the entries I also feel a teeny bit inferior.


Remember, its not what you write; its how you write it. You should join in the next competiton. Its quite fun :D
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Re: RiaR: Shattered Dream VOTING THREAD

Postby Commander Shadow » Mon Apr 04, 2011 10:34 pm

1) Not This Way- Tyrant

2) Under the Spreading Pluquat Tree (Sweet Fruit and Bitter Memories) - Mossy Toes

3) I'm Already There- Stuart000X

4) Red Revolutions- cjphillips


Great job to everyone else though! Did you know that if you printed out all of the stories with single space and size 9 font it still takes up about 9 pages? Found that out when i gave them all a reread. Honestly, even those i didn't vote for, i found some of the best warhammer 40k/fantasy stuff i've read in a while.

Lets go again...
- And there arose from the abyss a terrible beast and the armies of man were laid low by the walls of the ancient city. The ground shook and the skies trembled and all knew as the beast had come forth and that the end of time was upon them.

"Shadow is always right, except when he tries to save his men from charging orks" - Ang
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Re: RiaR: Shattered Dream VOTING THREAD

Postby Bigger Trent Mauser » Tue Apr 05, 2011 7:00 pm

Finally got around to reading all the entries. Here's my vote:

1) I had a Dream or How I Learned to Stop Whining and Got a Grip– Big Barney Ross
2) The Sound of Wings – Eremite
3) The Standard of Mourning – Commander Shadow
4) Red Revolutions – cjphillips
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Re: RiaR: Shattered Dream VOTING THREAD

Postby Ballistichimp » Wed Apr 06, 2011 8:25 pm

Ok, after much consideration ... votage! And I'm sure it is getting harder to vote every month.

1. The Sound of Wings - Eremite
You need to sleep less it seems, or at least be even more disturbed ;)

2. Shattered Dream - Squiggle
I like bleak and I like the crushing inevitability that is the fate of every soul that toils under the yoke of the Imperium. Ambition amongst Marines can end no other way.

3. Business as Usual - JDD
The assassin cults don't get enough love and I've not seen much of your 40k stuff. Like!

4. The Standard at Mourning - Commander Shadow
I've not seen any of your writing before and I really enjoyed this! Hope to see more!

Honourable mentions to -
Stuart000X for "I'm Already There", LL for "Terriloquus" (40k needs more Hereteks), Raz for "Small Victories", Tyrant for "Not This Way" and cjphillips for "Red Revolutions" (I had to go and reread yours and Commander Shadow's entries and it was a brutally difficult choice). If there were more points to give, you guys would be getting them. 8-)

Sadface at no Pip, Gundi or Kal_Ryper this month :cry:
It's a brilliant plan with no obvious flaws. You should do it immediately.
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Re: RiaR: Shattered Dream VOTING THREAD

Postby Stuart000X » Thu Apr 07, 2011 10:29 am

So far, we have had 9 people casting their votes on the entries in this month's RiaR competition. You have 3 days left to vote for your favourite entry. Yee have been warned :!:
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Re: RiaR: Shattered Dream VOTING THREAD

Postby Commander Shadow » Sat Apr 09, 2011 1:04 am

I'd like to thank everyone who wrote stories, congrats it was a great show. i'd also like to thank everyone that commented and/or voted. It made writing them seem appreciated.
- And there arose from the abyss a terrible beast and the armies of man were laid low by the walls of the ancient city. The ground shook and the skies trembled and all knew as the beast had come forth and that the end of time was upon them.

"Shadow is always right, except when he tries to save his men from charging orks" - Ang
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