RiaR May: Ancient Wonder

The Bolthole's monthly 1,000 word story competition.

Re: RiaR May: Ancient Wonder NOW OPEN

Postby Raziel4707 » Sat May 21, 2011 12:44 pm

DarthDrac - Friend.

thoroughly enjoyed this story, particularly the interaction between the astartes and the eldar woman. You have a great way of phrasing things that effortlessly builds worlds in the mind's eye, and I really felt frawn into this. It's an excellent story throughout, though it felt a touch disjointed at the end, particularly when the Necron appeared. Surely there is more difference between a Necron and an iron man than the colour? Istvael's very easy destrcution of the Necron felt a bit rushed and too easy, and this section stands out for the most part because of how good the rest of it was.
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Re: RiaR May: Ancient Wonder NOW OPEN

Postby Tyrant » Sat May 21, 2011 1:42 pm

DarthDrac (Friend): Like Raz I found it a bit incongruous that necrons and Iron Men look that much alike, and you would expect an agent of the Cabal to know a necron when he sees one! Apart from that I really liked this, especially the reference to "glyphs carved in the universe."
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Re: RiaR May: Ancient Wonder NOW OPEN

Postby Stuart000X » Sat May 21, 2011 2:17 pm

@ Balistichimp

Echoes

A nice little touch of having Angron mixed into this maelstrom of carnage and gore. Personally, when writting a story that's going to involve a well known character i.e. the Emperor, Primarchs, Special Characters, I always feel like its supposed to be like a Red Carpet occassion; this A-listed character taking centre stage, and this is no less true in this story.

The start of the story is fairly basic and simple, the run of the mill battle led by Space Marines. The interaction between the two Space Marines, Laune and Vorum, is fairly straightforward, but carries enough zest to keep the interest in what they're saying and the forthcoming bout.

But the main event of this story is the arrival of Angron and it carried the weight of importance, not just simply for turn in favor on the battlefield these two fought upon on, but shifts the tone of the story, any 40k veteran knowing instantly of Angron and its attached doom.

All around a good story to be read :)
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Re: RiaR May: Ancient Wonder NOW OPEN

Postby Stuart000X » Sat May 21, 2011 7:08 pm

@ Tyrant

Works Of Art

That was enjoyable, the craftsmanship put into the work very well done. The written creativeness was done superbly, the description of what’s going on and the significance it had on the World Eaters and me as a reader made perfectly clear.

It mustn’t have been a small feat to do in the creation of the Garlands, but here lays the World Eaters as they smash these to asunder with as much care as a World Eater can induce. Sacrilegious and sanctimonious in equal measure.
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Re: RiaR May: Ancient Wonder NOW OPEN

Postby Stuart000X » Sat May 21, 2011 7:17 pm

@ Gundi da Grot

The Last Witness

Quite an intriguing story, one that will surely leave its readers finishing with some food for thought after they are done reading it. And so will I :roll: .
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Re: RiaR May: Ancient Wonder NOW OPEN

Postby Stuart000X » Sat May 21, 2011 7:28 pm

@ Mossy Toes

Apotheosis

An emotinally charged tale, I like how that despite that machines in 40k have a spirit, they’re rarely given any attention, and not on this scale. I like how the ship can feel emotion, and was flashback of its life as it was about to die. This tale reminded me of the episode on Futurama when their spaceship (voiced by Sigourney Weaver) fell in love with Bender :) .
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Re: RiaR May: Ancient Wonder NOW OPEN

Postby Stuart000X » Sat May 21, 2011 7:40 pm

@ DarthDrac

Friend

Hmm I can’t say I found this story as enjoyable as it could have been. The main issue I have with it was that I found a lot of the content to be too farfetched even by 40k standards.

First off a Space Marine and an Eldar would not be friends, each possessing the inherited arrogance and dislike for each as they come. Often the two races would ally with one another in the face of a greater threat, and from what was gleaned, the two had known each other from a past instance that isn’t fully explored.

And then the Iron Man resembling like a Necron? The Space Marine might have said such sentiments, but the Eldar, to whom has had more contact with these undead-machines would have known better.

I would recommending rereading it again as I found a few grammar errors along the way to the end.
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Re: RiaR May: Ancient Wonder NOW OPEN

Postby DarthDrac » Sat May 21, 2011 8:56 pm

Guys, first thanks for the comments. Second, I will hold my hands up and say the ending was rushed... suddenly realised I was running out of words and there should be more of a battle with the necron...

As to the necron looking more like a Man of Iron, simply put the necron is a servant of the deciever and part of his plan is to control the iron men.

To answer the point on an astartes and an eldar being friends; Istvael was the hand of the cabal, the cabal are alien group and so not only is he traitor (being in the Alpha Legion) but he is doubly so for he no longer despises all xeno.

Really I should redo this and post it proper however I am only just starting to get back into writing, who knows might actually tell a more full story if I can find the time...
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Re: RiaR May: Ancient Wonder NOW OPEN

Postby J D Dunsany » Sat May 21, 2011 9:20 pm

And we're done.

Voting will be open shortly.

:)

JDD
JDD story of the moment: Glory
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