RiaR April/May: SACRIFICE

The Bolthole's monthly 1,000 word story competition.

Re: RiaR April/May: SACRIFICE

Postby Shogun_Nate » Sun Apr 17, 2011 1:57 am

Howdy folks!

Wow..some really good stories here! I'm busy trying to decide what to write about for this one. Two stories are currently at war with each other in my poor, thick skull. Hmm... Ah well, keep up the wonderful works folks! These are a sight better than the last novel I tried starting! :D

Good luck and good writing,

Nate
I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man.
User avatar
Shogun_Nate
 
Posts: 51
Joined: Sun Apr 03, 2011 3:33 pm
Location: Tigertown, Texas


Re: RiaR April/May: SACRIFICE

Postby LordLucan » Sun Apr 17, 2011 12:11 pm

I've edited in JDD's revised version of my story in place of my verbose and over-sized version.
Check out my debut fantasy novel from Fox Spirit Books, The Hobgoblin's Herald (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Hobgoblins-Herald-R-Aston/dp/1910462047). If you've read it, please rate and review it on amazon; I'd be eternally grateful. The sequel, Eater of Names, is out in 2018, so watch this space.
User avatar
LordLucan
 
Posts: 3561
Joined: Thu Mar 03, 2011 9:05 pm


Re: RiaR April/May: SACRIFICE

Postby Commander Shadow » Sun Apr 17, 2011 10:48 pm

Will have details on the rest soon, but for now:

For the Greater Good: I really like this one! Such a noble ork! and what cunning brutalness and brutal cunning. The inner dialogue was very good. Good job!
- And there arose from the abyss a terrible beast and the armies of man were laid low by the walls of the ancient city. The ground shook and the skies trembled and all knew as the beast had come forth and that the end of time was upon them.

"Shadow is always right, except when he tries to save his men from charging orks" - Ang
User avatar
Commander Shadow
 
Posts: 384
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 4:37 am
Location: Washingto DC, USA


Re: RiaR April/May: SACRIFICE

Postby Raziel4707 » Mon Apr 18, 2011 10:27 am

The finer things – 1145 words.

“Ah, Poor’Oh, please take a seat.”

The tau ambassador ignored the mispronunciation and inclined his head, hitching up his robes and sinking into the proffered armchair, though he declined the offer of a drink. Lord Governor Landesverrater shrugged and retrieved the crystal balloon, draining the contents in one swift gulp.

“We imported that from Lelant,” he said, leaning backwards in his chair. “Got to make the most of these things when you know they’ll be your last.”

“I understand,” Por’O Chel Nahn replied. “Though the protection of the tau empire is the best thing for your people, it is not without sacrifice. Even for one of your position.”

“Ha!” Landesverrater scoffed, reaching into a drawer and removing a cigar, casually lighting it from a tiny digital weapon in the signet ring on his left hand. “The finer things are always the first to go. But then, this isn’t about instant gratification you know, Poor’Oh. This is about legacy.”

Chel Nahn smiled, his flat mouth barely suited to the expression. It was common knowledge to his race, the water caste in particular, that there was dissent throughout this sprawling “Imperium of Man”. It was a weakness that could be exploited for good or for bad, and it was his task to ensure that when this particular corner of their empire fell, it would be to the benefit of all. While the tau were seemingly immune to the corruptive nature of the ruinous powers, having the imperium fall to chaos was in no-one’s best interests, and that was where men like Landesverrater came in.

“It is a good thing that you do here today. Though there is bound to be retribution and punitive action from the Imperium, they will not find this an isolated world imploding around a corrupted leader. Instead they will find a thriving outpost of the tau empire, and you shall not be unprotected.”

“And I shall be remembered as the man who dragged this system away from the imperium without a shot being fired. That’s quite an achievement, don’t you think?”

Chel Nahn wasn’t comfortable with the notion that Landesverrater considered that “not a shot had been fired,” considering the terrorist actions that had seen hundreds of civilians blown apart when the first tau ships had been openly welcomed to the space-port. But it was not an ambassador’s job to point out such things. Indeed, he was quite often expected to gloss over them for the greater good, to make such atrocities sound and feel like the growing pains of a new world order. And as such, he nodded.

“It is the best possible outcome for your people, though we would be unwise to not prepare for domestic issues in the years to come. Your race is taught to fear and despise alien life from the day they are born and it will be no simple task to create true unity from the roots upward. But I have faith that together, we can make that dream a reality.”

With a brief crackle of static, the lord governor’s intercom came to life with the reedy voice of his adjunct. “The delegations are here, my lord. Shall I send them in?”

“Indeed, Travers. Come in after them and wait by the door, it is only correct that you should be here for this.”

Lord Governor Landesverrater and the tau ambassador took to their feet as the delegations filed in. Among them were human captains of industry, military officers and members of the ruling class, cheerfully rubbing shoulders with important tau of the earth, water and fire castes, discussing the importance of their alliance and what the future was to hold for the planet. Landesverrater allowed the chatter to continue for a moment until Travers had entered and closed the doors behind them, then began to tap his metal drink stirrer against the side of his glass. The room soon fell to silence as every eye turned towards him, a perfect image of inter-racial harmony that forced a smile from the half-inebriated lord governor’s lips.

“My friends, new and old, welcome! Welcome to the first day of our alliance with the tau empire, and welcome to our world, my tau friends!”

A warm chatter of clapping rang out from the gathered humans, soon followed by the same from the tau contingent at the nod of Chel Nahn.

“Thank you, thank you all. Only this morning did myself and Por’O Tel-Vaan Chel Nahn Senn finalise our agreements and herald in a new dawn for this world and its people, in the hopes that this world might be an example to all other imperial worlds that think to slip away from the grasp of the imperium.”

Chel Nahn narrowed his eyes slightly, the lord governor’s suddenly perfect pronunciation the first time in six months that the man had come even close to saying his given name correctly, let alone the entire title.

“And this is all about setting an example, gentlemen and gentle women, or whatever the hell you xenos freaks are hiding under those robes.”

Chel Nahn gasped at the insult. “What is the meaning of this, lord governor?”

The Por’O’s mouth remained gaping open as Landesverrater’s digital weapon fired, piercing a perfectly round hole through his left eye that felled three tau and a human that were standing behind him before the beam lost its potency. The fire warriors present leaped towards him in an attempt to bring him down, only one of them escaping the next salvo. Four bodies lay smouldering on the carpet as Landesverrater punched the surviving tau warrior, spilling purple blood down its face and dropping it, insensible, to the floor. Both sides had agreed to go unarmed to this meeting and the Por’O had not considered that the digital weapon ring might have a higher power setting, nor that the lord governor’s unremarkable frame might conceal potent augmetic systems that considerably increased his strength.

“Pathetic,” Landesverrater hissed as the mob ran screaming for the exit, finding Travers gone and the doors firmly locked in place. “Of the billions on this pitiful world only myself, a handful of terrorists and my clerk had the zeal to resist the xenos filth and their empire. Mr Travers, if you please. This moment is yours.”

The clerk appeared behind him, wielding a remote detonator unit and two glasses of the finest, most expensive amasec that the chamber had to offer. Taking one each, the two loyalists raised a toast to each other as Travers began the timer, setting it for ten seconds and throwing it aside.

“To sacrifice,” Travers said, raising his glass.

“To sacrifice, Travers. It has been an honour to serve the Emperor with you at my side. Pray that we do not survive the blast, old friend, for when the Ordo Xenos finally arrive, only the Emperor shall know the truth of this.”
Last edited by Raziel4707 on Mon Apr 18, 2011 5:20 pm, edited 4 times in total.
Raziel4707
 
Posts: 1548
Joined: Thu Mar 03, 2011 4:03 pm


Re: RiaR April/May: SACRIFICE

Postby shadowhawk2008 » Mon Apr 18, 2011 10:41 am

All I gotta say is wow. Really nice touch in the end. I did kind of half-expect a double cross from the beginning but as it built towards the middle, the possibility was dropping. Then suddenly BAM-BOOM-POOF. We get down to business. Suddenly everything is reversed.

I didn't get much sense of a larger story although the implications were quite clear. The mention of the Ordo Xenos was well done too.
Shadowhawk's Shade My 40k/writing/review blog. You can check out all my reviews here.

My current fiction projects - Veergati: The Scarlet Records, an Indian space opera inspired by Star Trek.
User avatar
shadowhawk2008
 
Posts: 7716
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2011 8:17 am
Location: Battle-barge Spear of Lycaeus of the Angels of Retribution


Re: RiaR April/May: SACRIFICE

Postby Tyrant » Mon Apr 18, 2011 11:06 am

Raziel4707 (The Finer Things): Those poor tau. All they wanted was to make that world a better place, and this is how they are repaid..... :'(

Liked this a lot, your portrayal of the por'o was spot on. A very good piece.
My Facebook writing page. Like it, it's awesome!

My Twitter page.

Cytheria

Valerion

I think Valerion could stand toe-to-toe with the best of Gaunt's Ghosts. I loved it. Gundi Da Grot

The sense of threat that permeates the entire piece is fantastic. xrayex

Tash'shi is made of win and awesome. Raziel4707
User avatar
Tyrant
 
Posts: 835
Joined: Thu Mar 03, 2011 12:55 pm


Re: RiaR April/May: SACRIFICE

Postby Gundi da Grot » Mon Apr 18, 2011 11:58 pm

Some really great entries (and some very considerable critiques too). Here's one more for the fire...

Sacrafice
1,050 words

Colossal machines wheezed far below, causing the floor beneath him to vibrate in rhythm as they scrubbed the artificial atmosphere. In spite of the machines' exertions, the air remained somewhat stale, though Lieutenant Governor Ernst Jaunal did his best not to display any discomfort as he sat at the dining table of his host aboard the ancient freighter. The drink in his hand was doing much to alleviate his discomfort, however.

‘Marvelous,’ Jaunal said after taking a sip. ‘What’s it called again?’

‘Sacra,’ Safford said. ‘It’s a drink they used to brew on Tanith.’

‘Tanith? I’m not familiar with the name.’

‘Few are,’ Safford said. ‘It was destroyed by the Great Enemy during the Sabbat Worlds Crusade nearly two centuries ago. It wasn’t a particularly notable world to begin with, aside from the quality of its timber and sacra. A vintage of this quality is very difficult to come by nowadays ― I obtained this bottle some years ago from an old veteran of the Tanith First and Only, and I’ve been saving it for a special occasion.’

‘I’m honoured that you should deem me worthy of such esteem, sieur.’

‘Come now,’ Safford said while refilling his guest’s glass, ‘It’s not often that I entertain the lieutenant governor of Parenxes. And with the contract your office has seen fit to award me, I could set up my own sacra brewery should I so choose.’

Jaunal laughed graciously and took another draught of the superb beverage provided by his host. It had a pungent, earthy quality to it, and he could already feel his head swimming slightly from the alcohol.

‘Ryza needs diamantine to produce ammunition for the Emperor’s armies,’ Jaunal said. ‘I need to get half a million tonnes of refined diamantine to Ryza, and you have the ship to do it, Captain. If we both profit from doing the holy work of the Imperium, so much the better.’

Safford raised his glass. ‘To many profitable ventures for us both.’

They clinked glasses and Jaunal downed his drink in two gulps. ‘At least you needn’t worry about pirates and corsairs, not with the Space Wolves and Flame Hawks in system,’ he said.

‘Ah, the ships we picked up on the Coreward side of the system,’ Safford said. ‘They are Space Marines then?’

Safford could see the tipsy lieutenant governor squirm uneasily in his chair at letting such sensitive information slip to a relative stranger.

‘I see their presence is confidential,’ he said. ‘Never fear, my dear Governor, the secret is safe with me. In fact, I find it reassuring to know that a squadron of the Emperor’s finest warriors is present to guard against danger.’

Jaunal laughed nervously and absently took another sip of sacra. ‘I fear your excellent hospitality has made me incautious, Captain. I really shouldn’t have mentioned it.’

‘Cloak and dagger,’ Safford said as he poured the governor more sacra. ‘I confess, the life of a freighter captain such as myself is somewhat bereft of mystery and intrigue, so when such a juicy morsel falls into my lap, I find it irresistible. Are they on a clandestine mission?’

‘I really mustn’t say any more.'

Safford leaned back, holding his arms out in a gesture of openness. ‘My dear Governor, tomorrow I’ll be in transit to Ryza for several weeks. Who could I possibly tell?'

Jaunal seemed to consider this for a moment, before his features softened into a smile. ‘No, I suppose there’s no harm in it. I know little enough at any rate ― merely that the taskforce showed up in system a week ago and took station above the planet.’

‘For what purpose,’ Safford asked. ‘Is there some looming threat to Parenxes I should be concerned about?’

Jaunal looked around the dining room to be certain he and Safford were alone before leaning forward conspiratorially. ‘It’s rumoured that the Blood Reaver himself is planning to raid Parenxes,’ he whispered.

‘Huron Blackheart? Here?’ Safford looked genuinely surprised and turned a bit green. ‘Perhaps I should hasten my departure then.’

‘I shouldn’t worry too much, Captain,’ Jaunal said, his words a bit slurred from the intoxicating effects of the sacra. ‘If the pirate and his corsairs do show up, they are in for a nasty surprise ― two squadrons of Space Marine warships formed around the cruisers Wolf of Fenris and Amber Phoenix. I’m told this taskforce has more firepower than the mightiest Imperial battleship.’

‘A formidable force to be reckoned with,’ Safford said. ‘And a cunning trap…if Lord Huron were a fool.’

Jaunal barely had time to register the laspistol aimed at his face before it scattered his brains across the table. Safford stood up and leisurely placed the pistol back in the holster concealed in the folds of his robe. Stepping over the lieutenant governor’s slumped body, Safford walked to the door and pulled a red cord hanging beside it. A tall, emaciated figure came through the door almost immediately, followed by a pair of servitors that quickly set about cleaning up the mess on the dining table. The newcomer stared expectantly at Safford with sunken, sightless eyes.

‘It’s as we suspected,’ Safford said. ‘The Space Wolves and Flame Hawks are waiting in orbit with a pair of strike cruisers and supporting vessels. We’ll break orbit within the hour. Once we do, send an astropathic message to Lord Huron informing him of Space Marines’ presence in the system.’

The thin man bowed and left without a word. As the servitors hauled away the governor’s corpse, Safford picked up the empty bottle of sacra and sighed.

‘It seems a shame to have wasted such a fine bottle of sacra, but I suppose some sacrifices must be made.' He picked up Jaunal’s unfinished glass and raised it in a mocking toast. ‘To you, ex-Lieutenant Governor Jaunal. You couldn’t hold your liquor, but your loose lips were of great use to Lord Huron.’

Image

Three days later, the joint taskforce of Space Wolves and Flame Hawks was nearly wiped out when the Red Corsairs attacked Parenxes from an unexpected direction. After fierce action and shipboard fighting, Huron Blackheart claimed the strike cruiser Wolf of Fenris as his own before laying waste to the planet below. Captain Safford and the cargo of refined diamantine never arrived at Ryza.
Last edited by Gundi da Grot on Tue Apr 19, 2011 5:42 pm, edited 3 times in total.
User avatar
Gundi da Grot
 
Posts: 85
Joined: Thu Mar 03, 2011 10:15 pm


Re: RiaR April/May: SACRIFICE

Postby Falkenhayn » Tue Apr 19, 2011 2:14 am

Good one Raziel4707. I especially liked the coloring of the title, it easily captivated my feeble mind.

I really did not see it coming, especially not given the governors name (which I found insanely cheesy until I read on...)

I do not think I have seen people kill xenos with such gusto before. :lol:
User avatar
Falkenhayn
 
Posts: 242
Joined: Tue Mar 08, 2011 1:50 am


Re: RiaR April/May: SACRIFICE

Postby Raziel4707 » Tue Apr 19, 2011 7:31 am

Gundi: Fine work, sir! Big fan of the old cloak and dagger stuff, did see the double-cross coming but that made it no less enjoyable. As they said back during WWI and WWII, "Loose lips sink ships!"

Falk: Thank you! When I noticed that the name was german for "traitor to his country", I'm afraid I just couldn't resist!
Raziel4707
 
Posts: 1548
Joined: Thu Mar 03, 2011 4:03 pm


Re: RiaR April/May: SACRIFICE

Postby Tyrant » Tue Apr 19, 2011 9:26 am

Gundi da Grot (Sacrafice): That Huron is a sneaky bleeder isn't he. A very nice piece indeed.
My Facebook writing page. Like it, it's awesome!

My Twitter page.

Cytheria

Valerion

I think Valerion could stand toe-to-toe with the best of Gaunt's Ghosts. I loved it. Gundi Da Grot

The sense of threat that permeates the entire piece is fantastic. xrayex

Tash'shi is made of win and awesome. Raziel4707
User avatar
Tyrant
 
Posts: 835
Joined: Thu Mar 03, 2011 12:55 pm


Re: RiaR April/May: SACRIFICE

Postby Commander Shadow » Tue Apr 19, 2011 12:53 pm

Gundia: interesting story however i did wonder at the typo in the title (sacrafice v Sacrifice). The ending left me puzzled a little too.
1) How could a Astartes fleet with "more firepower than the mightiest Imperial battleship" be bested by simply a suprise attack from an "unexpected direction"

2) Seeing as the formentioned astartes task force is holding above the planet, how could they be taken by suprise? Wouldn't they be scanning for Huron's ships as to spring the trap? It is very hard to sneakily do anything in space or so i'm led to believe. If you scan for engine signatures or the like you will be able to sense if there are inturders and where they are comming from.

But you have about 100 words left, personally those were the two most glarring things to me. That being said, I loved the banter and wine and espionagy bit at the begining, and i though the end line really tied it all togethere
- And there arose from the abyss a terrible beast and the armies of man were laid low by the walls of the ancient city. The ground shook and the skies trembled and all knew as the beast had come forth and that the end of time was upon them.

"Shadow is always right, except when he tries to save his men from charging orks" - Ang
User avatar
Commander Shadow
 
Posts: 384
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 4:37 am
Location: Washingto DC, USA


Re: RiaR April/May: SACRIFICE

Postby Atlantic » Tue Apr 19, 2011 1:29 pm

Howdy,

I apologize for not posting any feedback as of yet. I'm swamped right now. I plan on making some changes to my story and posting feedback by the end of the week.
Opportunity is missed by most people, because it wears overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
User avatar
Atlantic
 
Posts: 92
Joined: Thu Mar 03, 2011 7:21 pm
Location: Cincinnati OH


Re: RiaR April/May: SACRIFICE

Postby Commander Shadow » Tue Apr 19, 2011 4:33 pm

Here's my bit. I'll get back with critique for all the one's i've missed soon! The work seems really great again this time around.

Word count: 1,065


As The Fires Burn


Lieutenant Stram awoke on his back, lying high upon a pile of mangled corpses. There was the iron tang of blood in his mouth, his eyes were half gummed-shut with grime. He stared up at a swirling red mist that churned like a frothing river above him. The lieutenant was atop a pile of dead, his back upon twisted corpses in the blue-gray fatigues of the 129th Ullor. He saw a flag pole raised towards the turmoil wracked heaven. The outline of the Imperial Aquila tattered and worn, hanging limply in the still air. All was silent in the town square save for the hum of carrion flies.

The thick red mist clouded around him, blanketing the plaza and holding tight to the outlines of tall buildings. Stram turned his head and could see tall pyres half cloaked in the bloody mist where corpses were stacked like firewood. He blinked and saw shapes bearing the forms of nightmares clambering over the burning towers of dead.

He blinked again, and they were gone.

The sickly odor of charred flesh hung in the air like incense. Lieutenant Stram felt his stomach clench and with a great effort pushed himself upward. He vomited on to his lap, choking out the acid bile.

Through the heavy mist the lieutenant could see neither sun nor moon. There was only the bloody red fog and the orderly stacks of corpses. He shifted atop the pile of dead and heard a soft groan of pain.

Somewhere close by another man was whimpering.

Stram pushed himself to his feet with shaking hands, unconsciously straightening his uniform. He wiped the sick from its front before reaching to his belt and finding someone had taken his laspistol. The lieutenant glanced downwards, peering over the edge of the pillar of dead.

The plaza floor was far, far bellow. The worn stones upon which the regiment had paraded only days before were shrouded by curling spirals of mist.

Stram reeled back from the edge, fell upon the uneven ridges of the bodies of dead.

“Stram,” called a thin voice breaking through the silence and the press of the mist, “Help me. Please.”

There was a man, fettered to the pole by bronze shackles fixed about his neck. The man’s frame quivered and shook, eyes bloodshot, pupils like white suns. The man had been stripped of all clothes. He was sobbing.

The lieutenant moved forwards, fingers were like leaden blocks around the collar’s fastenings. He tugged at the chains but they would not break.

“I can’t remember how long I’ve been here,” wailed the man to the sky, “The wind is like knives! And the things they whisper to me when I close my eyes.”

“Wind?” asked Stram and he noticed a pressing heat for the first time, “There’s no wind here. Can’t you feel the corpse-fires?”

He gave the chain another tug but it did not break. The lieutenant slumped beside the naked man, leaning his back against the pole.

“Please Stram, unbind me”, the man whimpered.

“The chains won’t break.”

“Stram please!”

He looked at the captive, searching the gaunt, pale face.

“How do you know my name?”

The man began to cry. A pitiful sobbing, like a whipped dog.

“I’m the from the Colonel’s coven Stram, one of Old Man’s pyskers!”

Stram shook his head.

“Shut up damn you!” screamed the man, writhing against the fetter about his neck, “Stop your fekking whispers! Where are you hiding? Throne damn you face me!”
Stram stared off into the haze of red mist. But the lieutenant and the naked man were alone. The roasting flesh smelled unbearably sweet. His eyelids drooping, a soft burning at his temples, Stram’s head lulled forwards.

His companion screamed.

There was a crack like a gunshot and Stram saw the naked man’s jaw force itself forward. It opened wider and wider as if the captive was screaming. Farther and farther the jaw moved, the lieutenant heard the ripping of tendons, a light popping as muscles snapped.

“Help me,” choked the chained man, “Help me Stram please!”

The lieutenant tore his eyes from the twitching captive, searching the corpses around him. There were no weapons, no knives, no lasguns, not even a helmet.

“Please-“, pleaded the man, there was another crack and the jaw was forced down onto the captive’s chest. The lieutenant could see the back of his throat and the blood dripping from a multitude of tears.

Stram slammed his elbow against the side against the man’s face and he thrashed, fettered to the pole like a fish on a line. The lieutenant ignored the screaming, rising to his feet and ramming a fist into the man’s nose.

Over and over he beat him, with fists and elbows and the toe of his boot. Again and again and again, splitting flesh till blood ran over the pale face from a multitude of cuts and the nose was little more that shattered cartilage.

Still the mouth continued to open wider and the chained man gurgled through the blood trickling out of his open mouth..

Stram fell to the ground clutching his ears. The corpses were whispering to him, terrible secrets, dreadful rumors. Of the woman he had left behind who was unfaithful, of his hometown burning in the dead of winter. There was a wind blowing, cold and crisp, biting his face and nose and fingers. He watched in horror as a taloned hand forced its way out of the man’s throat, grasping at the air.

The tip of a horn pierced through the side of the man’s cheek splitting it as a head with curling ram’s horns forced its way out through the open mouth. Fingers hooked into the captive’s eye sockets, pulling a long slender body out from the ruin of the man’s throat. It had eyes like orbs of the deepest, glassy black. Stram could see himself reflected in them.

A hoarse scream tore itself out from lieutenant Stram’s throat and the daemon smiled. It spoke with a soft feminine voice, the voice of his mother.

“Hush, do not cry my child,” the thing smiled, its pointed teeth yellow and crusted with black blood, “You are only dreaming.”

The daemon smiled and laughed a deep, guttural laugh.
Last edited by Commander Shadow on Sat Apr 23, 2011 4:17 am, edited 2 times in total.
- And there arose from the abyss a terrible beast and the armies of man were laid low by the walls of the ancient city. The ground shook and the skies trembled and all knew as the beast had come forth and that the end of time was upon them.

"Shadow is always right, except when he tries to save his men from charging orks" - Ang
User avatar
Commander Shadow
 
Posts: 384
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 4:37 am
Location: Washingto DC, USA


Re: RiaR April/May: SACRIFICE

Postby Tyrant » Tue Apr 19, 2011 4:52 pm

Commander Shadow (As The Fires Burn): There are a few errors in this that need to be corrected (particularly at the beginning where the man's eyes are apparently gummed shut by "grim"). I also think the opening paragraphs are too overly-descriptive, and there is a lot of duplication of information. Really liked the way the daemon appeared though, and having it speak with the voice of his mother was a nice touch.
My Facebook writing page. Like it, it's awesome!

My Twitter page.

Cytheria

Valerion

I think Valerion could stand toe-to-toe with the best of Gaunt's Ghosts. I loved it. Gundi Da Grot

The sense of threat that permeates the entire piece is fantastic. xrayex

Tash'shi is made of win and awesome. Raziel4707
User avatar
Tyrant
 
Posts: 835
Joined: Thu Mar 03, 2011 12:55 pm


Re: RiaR April/May: SACRIFICE

Postby Gundi da Grot » Tue Apr 19, 2011 5:38 pm

Thanks, for the comments guys. I need to get up some proper comments when I have a little time.

Commander Shadow, the title Sacrafice was a play on Sacra, the liquor from the Gaunt's Ghosts novels that Safford uses to get Jaunal drunk. The capture of the Wolf of Fenris over Parenxes is detailed in the 4th Edition Chaos Space Marines Codex. Essentially, he divided his fleet and entered the system from the far side; when the Space Marine ships responded, the second part of his fleet warped in and enveloped the Space Marine taskforce, screwing up their ambush and turning the tables on them. I didn't want to retell the battle, just invent the way Huron's "scout" learned about the ambush in the first place.
User avatar
Gundi da Grot
 
Posts: 85
Joined: Thu Mar 03, 2011 10:15 pm


Re: RiaR April/May: SACRIFICE

Postby Squiggle » Wed Apr 20, 2011 10:13 am

LL - Just One.

Really rather good, this. I think you are prone to extraneous wafflage, but the core story in this is a good one, and the way you describe the mayhem of the city is pretty awesome. Kinda glad JDD edited it before I read it, though.

Really enjoyed it. Like the way Akkaevir was constantly battling the various forces of temptation.

In the negative, all I would say is I didnt get much of an emotional reaction from Akkaevir given that he was facing the fall of his entire race.

Good work though, so far it is up with Atlantic's effort in my top two.
If my mind's the weapon, my heart's the extra clip

Forum Moderator

@sqyiggle
User avatar
Squiggle
 
Posts: 1084
Joined: Thu Mar 03, 2011 2:18 pm
Location: Cornwall, UK


Re: RiaR April/May: SACRIFICE

Postby Squiggle » Wed Apr 20, 2011 10:28 am

Jelboy - liked your ork story. Good effort getting into the head of the warboss.

EDIT - yeah, for some reason the first time I read it I found it confusing, but now I've read it again, it is pretty clear.

good work.
If my mind's the weapon, my heart's the extra clip

Forum Moderator

@sqyiggle
User avatar
Squiggle
 
Posts: 1084
Joined: Thu Mar 03, 2011 2:18 pm
Location: Cornwall, UK


Re: RiaR April/May: SACRIFICE

Postby Tyrant » Wed Apr 20, 2011 10:35 am

Squiggle- the ork equivalent of the gellar field had collapsed partially and the engine room was exposed to the warp and as a result the rok couldn't return to real space without someone going in there to turn it off and getting gobbled up by the daemons.
My Facebook writing page. Like it, it's awesome!

My Twitter page.

Cytheria

Valerion

I think Valerion could stand toe-to-toe with the best of Gaunt's Ghosts. I loved it. Gundi Da Grot

The sense of threat that permeates the entire piece is fantastic. xrayex

Tash'shi is made of win and awesome. Raziel4707
User avatar
Tyrant
 
Posts: 835
Joined: Thu Mar 03, 2011 12:55 pm


Re: RiaR April/May: SACRIFICE

Postby Squiggle » Wed Apr 20, 2011 11:45 am

Tyrant - yeah... I reread it and it isnt confusing. i think i wasnt really awake earlier!
If my mind's the weapon, my heart's the extra clip

Forum Moderator

@sqyiggle
User avatar
Squiggle
 
Posts: 1084
Joined: Thu Mar 03, 2011 2:18 pm
Location: Cornwall, UK


Re: RiaR April/May: SACRIFICE

Postby Jelboy » Wed Apr 20, 2011 12:12 pm

Nobody understand my stories :cry: :cry: :cry:

no.. wait... Tyrant does...

Tyrant wrote:Squiggle- the ork equivalent of the gellar field had collapsed partially and the engine room was exposed to the warp and as a result the rok couldn't return to real space without someone going in there to turn it off and getting gobbled up by the daemons.


:D

I'll put comments to all stories after deadline.
User avatar
Jelboy
 
Posts: 872
Joined: Thu Mar 03, 2011 4:24 pm
Location: A City in the Badlands...

PreviousNext

Return to Board index

Return to Read in a Rush

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests