The Space Marine Waiting Room [Crack/Parody]

Forget the promise of progress and understanding, for in the grim, dark future there is only war.

The Space Marine Waiting Room [Crack/Parody]

Postby Liliedhe » Sun Sep 15, 2013 7:32 pm

This is something that has been sitting on my brain for a while. I can't take credit for coming up with the idea, as it was Barbara Hambly who first brought it to my attention: "What do characters do when they are not being written about? Is there something of a room, where they wait for authors to come and get them to play a role in their story?" Combined with 40K it lead me to the concept that the characters likely aren't exactly happy about all the things that happen to them in the stories :P . So, here they are allowed to complain. Or fraternize with the enemy. Or...

Introduction

Somewhere, there is a room. It's probably a rather boring room, looking like the waiting room at the dentist's, filled with creaking plastic chairs and magazines three years out of date. In it, most of those in attendance are standing, since they would shatter the chairs. They talk, drain the water cooler, smoke self rolled cigarettes and look bored.
Occasionally, the door opens. Some look up then, an expression of pathetic eagerness on their faces, as names are called. They hope to here theirs. Others flinch when this happens, and as they are called, they get up with the mien of men about to walk to their executions, sometimes literally.
But of course, they always return. This is the room out of the stories, and once conceived, spread to paper and read, no character will ever die for real. They can always be brought back for prequels.


Captain Tycho's Woes
Erasmus Tycho is the best example for that. Dead since 2nd edition, he nonetheless continues to show up in short stories. As his name is called, he rises wearily. “I’m coming.”

“I don’t get what you are complaining about”, mutters a character, black-haired and youthful, almost bursting out of his jeans, with a black wolf tattoo on his shoulder. “I’m not even dead, and yet, aside from a few codex mentions, I might as well be. My last novel was five years ago and since then I only got one cameo. One. And that gave me insomnia.”

“STFU, Ragnar. Space Wolves don’t get to complain.”

It isn’t Tycho who has spoken. He is already halfway through the room, and moves to toss his half-smoked cigarette into the bin, but he turns at the sound of the voice. The speaker leans against the wall, arms crossed over his chest. His head is shaved, but his eyes, black on black, give away his heritage as does his snow white skin. “Thank your fans, since they complain so much that no author dares to write you anymore.”

“Because your fans never complain, Talos.” Tycho grins, bearing fangs. “I’ll never understand why they let heretics like you in here. What’s next? Orks?” The word is a hiss of vitriolic hatred.

Talos shrugs, scratching a long scar on the side of his head. “Sure they do. All because of him.” He points to another occupant of the room, as ostracised and sitting apart as him, only this one isn’t alone. A human woman is with him. “Zso mother ****ing Sahaal. He even gets to keep the girl. Mine they took away.”

“As if you knew what to do with a girl.” Ragnar grins and shows another set of fangs. “They also took mine. Both of them.”

“Because one isn’t good enough for a Space Wolf…” Now he and Tycho are staring daggers at each other.

“Peace brothers.” The voice is weary and sad. “It’s not like any one of us would have any idea what to really do with a girl, except complain to her. And that’s all HE ever does, anyway.” The speaker, nondescript, blond, in bluejeans and slacks, stands close to Sahaal and the woman, staring out of a window showing a vista of space whales flying past purple moons.

“Point.” Tycho sighs. “Crosspollination with other genres happens too often in here. I wouldn’t mind if it was crime stories, solving a murder or fighting a little war in the trenches sounds like a good way to spend the time. But it’s always romance. I hate romance. One day, I will find Leroux and Eric and kill them both. I swear.” He knocks against the metal mask covering half his head. “I’m not even a romantic hero and yet I get settled with the tropes of one. Screw them.” His gaze turns towards a row of other characters waiting around a rather quaint indoor fountain topped by a statue of a nude cherub. From their formation it is clear that they could be a lot more, but most are missing.

One of them, with long dark hair and a handsome face, dressed a bit like the last Mohican, turns as he feels the gaze and blushes crimson. “I’m sorry, Captain. It’s not my fault. Besides, I’ve been stuck here for years, too.”

“Yes, you have been, Sergeant Rafen. But before, you gave me another appearance and another moment to be an idiot on paper, seen by the entire world. And you get to keep your pretty face, too.”

“I’d rather wear your stupid romantic mask. Sir. After all they did to me, getting shunned for being not pretty doesn’t sound very bad. Sorry.” His blush deepens. It is quite a pretty blush.

“What did I say? Peacocks, the lot of them.” At which point, Captain Tycho throws a chair. And one of the periodic brawls that threaten to wreck the room erupts…

++++++++

This isn't strictly my story. It is more of a playground for being silly. So, if you feel like doing a short snippet set here, post away.
"You were a warleader, a fighter, when did you gain such illuminating insight into the minds of others?"
"I learned such things as you and your brothers applied brand to my flesh and parted skin with rasp and knife," snarled Astelan. "When your witches tried to prise open my mind they opened me for an instant and I stared back."
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Re: The Space Marine Waiting Room [Crack/Parody]

Postby Bloody Mary » Sun Sep 15, 2013 7:34 pm

Silly! :D

***

High Gothic Police

The door burst open, and revealed a massive form of a Salamander. He looked around wildly, red eyes flashing angrily, before pointing an accusing finger at Zso Sahaal. “Scum! It’s not enough I have to suffer your presence, you must also deface walls!”

The Night Lord pointedly ignored him, eliciting a snigger from Talos.

“I’m all for him defacing walls,” someone muttered from behind the Salamander’s shoulder. A bald face, one half pale, the other black peered over his shoulder. “At least that gives you somebody else to take out your frustrations on, Tsu’gan.”

“Silence, Ignean,” growled Tsu’gan. “You may be uneducated, but the gibberish makes my teeth hurt.”

“It wouldn’t hurt if you wouldn’t gnash them,” Noxx growled, as he continued his attempt to grab Captain Tycho.

“It wouldn’t hurt if you didn’t gnash them, Noxx!” Rafen corrected him, barely dodging Tycho’s fist.

“It’s not gibberish,” Zso Sahaal said, rising to his full height. “Your false emperor-“

“It says ‘fake’, not false,” Tsu’gan said flatly.

Talos sniggered again. “Embarrassing, isn’t it? A proud scion of Terra speaks High Gothic worse than ganger scum from Nostromo.”

Zso Sahaal turned to answer, but he never got around to telling Talos off, since Noxx finally managed to grab Tycho and promptly threw him away, straight at the Night Lord.
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Re: The Space Marine Waiting Room [Crack/Parody]

Postby Blinded » Wed Sep 18, 2013 6:48 am

Anonymous

Another squabble turned into a brawl between dejected characters of minor and major standing. They always did and as always the mysterious group of mysterious characters who occupied a mysteriously dark corner at back of the room, stood and watched.

They were rather odd. Every single one of them wearing identical white shirts, red ties, red gloves, clean grey business suits, and grey bowler hats with almost identical green apple hanging in front of it that obscured what appeared to be their identical faces.

People either ignored or over-looked or simply denied their existence and they were fine with it, after all they went through all the trouble and torture of attaching and NOT eating tasty green apples to their hats just so that they could keep it that way..

This time however was different.

Someone in the mass of kicking, snarling, biting, spitting, kicking cussing and punching Space Marines decided to hit someone hard and in the second most wrong direction, first being the Door.

That someone turned out to be one of those rare few "Game Protagonist" characters and his strange hair-do marked him as the Force Commander.

The Force Commander looked at apple-covered face of the character who pulled him up to his feet.

"Thanks bro."

"Your welcome Force Commander Aramus of Blood Ravens. I'm bit of a fan actually, loved how you messed up your records by stating you are the youngest to ever become Force Commander while at the same time being from Meridian and not being Thaddeus at all. But couldn't you perhaps listen the the wise Eldar Farseer's no doubt insightful advise instead of just charging in and killing everything?"

The Force Commander, or Aramus as he was called in his last time beyond the Door suppressed his blush and throw an questioning look at the apple-man... or rather AN apple-man. Now that his head wasn't rolling he could see there were a whole rank of them standing there and watching.

'creepy bunch' Aramus though with a shudder and completely missing as that particular apple-face switched places with another one to his left.

"That's actually a tricky question that returns to the Author and Eldar generally being xenos Mr....?"

"Alpharius." said the character with a bit of difficulty, so difficult in fact that what little skin that showed from behind the green apple had turned completely green too. Not to mention how his voice was no longer melodious and a bit high pitched.

"The Primarch?!" exclaimed Aramus, the apple-face man's strangely heretical question completely forgotten.

For a moment silence fell over the Waiting Room as Space Marines' brawl suddenly came to a halt.

Ragnar, his fangs still locked around Hanzou's metallic hand shot a questioning look at a purple-faced Rafen who was in the middle of being chocked by one one-eyed fellow from an old comic series.

The One eyed man for his part shrugged, blink/winked, it was rather hard to tell, and continued on chocking his arch-nemesis

And the brawl was resumed.

Aramus's jaws dropped at the sheer apathy his brawling brothers showed. Not even Marneus Calgar of Ultramarines seemed to acknowledge the breach of protocol that presence of a Primarch in Space Marine Waiting Room caused and continued on his efforts of spitting codex approved acid-spits at the unorthodoxly spitting Iron Snake bunch.

"No." Said Apple-face, Alpharius, this time his voice filled with a slight hint of animalistic growl.

"Huh?"

"I am Alpharius, but not The Alpharius. I am A Alpharius."

All around Alpharius, apple covered faces turned to Aramus in what seemed to be a well-practiced practiced move. "We are Alpharius, we are Alpha Legion and so we are Alpharius. We speak with the Voice of the Legion and we are one. We are Alpharius and so we are Alpha Legion."

"So...let me get this straight... you guys are from Alpha Legion and because of that you are Alpharius, and definitely NOT Alpharius the Primarch."

"Yes" answered the Legion with one voice.

Aramus looked skeptical. "Then what about that guy Sindri My-"

"SIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNDDDDDDDDRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!" Came an anguished bestial roar from ranks of Alpha Legionnaires, making the earlier apple-Alpharius, who somehow had grown so massive his head reached the ceiling, and his tiny hat and and small apple couldn't cover the look of dread that passed his monstrous face, flinch so hard, rest of the lamps in Alpha Legion's corner broke too.

"Riiiight... I gotta go, sounds like someone's calling me and... see ya" Aramus waved at the barely-larger than-a-human Alpharius returned to the brawl, silently vowing to himself that he would either ignor or over-look or simply deny existence of the mysterious group of mysterious strangers in the not so mysteriously dark corner.

Lt. "Last Chance" Kage watched with amazement as the Space Marine left without even noticing a thing. Being one hundred percent dead at the end of your series makes you utterly bored out of your fatigues and Kage was no exception, especially considering not everyone was a bloody Tanith to be able to sneak around into other waiting rooms. No, for guys like Kage, it was always the Legion and Mr Alpharius's anonymity-business on the side.

Heck, these guys even had a mysterious corner in Xenos Waiting Room called the Cabal... a pity about no killing rule though.
Last edited by Blinded on Wed Sep 18, 2013 8:27 am, edited 1 time in total.
Worm and W40K are both dieing worlds, but while Worm is barely managing to avoid getting swallowed up, 40K is trying to stab Death in the eye with a chainsaw. - .IronSun.
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Re: The Space Marine Waiting Room [Crack/Parody]

Postby Dannymac247 » Wed Sep 18, 2013 7:57 am

Downtime-

Things were a bit quieter... word had come a new Omnibus was about to be released, and everyone was making sure that their armor was looking properly grim and dark. Liam sat in a corner, bolter leaning against the wall, thumbing his way through a Adeptus Sororitas book. He'd met one earlier, and had been playing around with the idea of asking her out for a tragic death scene. Suddenly he raised his head and listened; a dull noise that had been growing for awhile had resolved into voices nearly outside the door.

"'Ere we go, 'Ere we go, 'Ere we go, 'Ere we go..."

"Sweet God-Emperor, not again." Liam glanced around. The room was essentially empty, save for a Dreadnaught whose snoring indicated that it had best not be awoken save for a Cadian scene. Fine. "Blasted Ultra-marines, never around when you need them." With a sigh, he put on his helmet, hoisted the bolter, and checked himself out in the mirror. He looked pretty official, as well as a Space Wolf could do in the circumstances.

The door burst open, and the Orks walked in, keeping up their chant, when the Nob raised a fist to cut them off. Liam approached him with a wary wave.

"Hey, there, guys. Look, I think you're in the wrong place. Xenos waiting rooms are down the hall."

The Nob looked him up and down, then shook his head. "Thats what they sez at the reception, right? Only we looked and it was full of those weird humies, the ones what are small and got those weird bumps."

Liam frowned, then laughed. "Oh, you were at the Sororitas chamber? Totally wrong way. Take a right when you go through the door and you'll get there. Right past the Old Ones, you can't miss it."

The Nob grumbled, but started to turn. "By the Weird Boyz, eh? Well, might have been those rutting knife ears. Ok, Boyz, we... wait." He pushed his head forward, until he and Liam were nearly eye to eye. "You look familiar."

Liam was taken a bit aback by this. He tried to think back. "Ummm... not that I know of. Never really went up against any Orks in any of my..."

The Ork got even closer, making Liam wish he'd had his breather unit working. "Naw, naw, I know I knows you. Oi, Greenteeth? When'd we go up against against this Grey Humie before?"

Another Ork, presumably Greenteeth, scratched his head with his hammer. "Uh, dunno, boss. They all looks the same to me, see?"

"That's probably it," Liam said, hurriedly. "Seen one Space Wolf, seen 'em all, you know? It was even worse when I did that one stint in Deathwatch. Now, maybe if you guys just got on back to your..."

"That's it! That's the one! Deathwatch! You were a newbie NPC wot got killed when we raided Fenris!"

Liam tried an amused laugh, but it came out closer to a squeak. "Right, Greenskins on Fenris, that'll be the day. Now..."

But the Ork Nob couldn't be dissuaded. "But that was you, sure as dokka it was! You said like five lines to the PC's before I cut off your head with me choppa. It must have flown fifty yards!"

"One hundred, and that before it flew out of a bloody airlock, in a ship ABOVE Fenris, right before the PC's bolted your asses to swiss cheese, I believe."

"Oh yeah, that was a good one, it was. You still working role-playing games?"

"NO!" Liam caught himself, glanced around, then leaned in. "Look, I was new, needed some exposure, so I figure, why not? How was I supposed to know the GM understood the fluff about as well as he did quantum physics? There were FEMALE Orks in your party, for crying out loud!"

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Got a bit confusin' for awhile. Luckily, another guy took over a few months later and got it all sorted. Didn't he, Greenteeth?"

Greenteeth looked around sheepishly at the other Orks, fist balled. None of them made eye contact. "I don't much feel like talkin' bout it, savvy?"

"Right, right." The Nob chuckled to himself. "So whatcha doin' now? Working the new Omnibus?"

Liam grimaced, then shrugged. "I might get called up. Not named, of course, but they can always use a trooper or two. It's work, anyway."

The Ork nodded. "Yeah, I getcha. My boyz and I have mostly been working the tourneys since that game. Some guy can crack out our miniatures quick and for cheap. Solid work, but all the WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHing gets old every now and again. I kinda miss old Greenteeth, now you mention..."

There was a heavy thud, and the Nob's head whipped around, teeth flying in all directions, only to be picked up quickly by the other Orks. Greenteeth glared down at the insensible Nob, then looked up at Liam and shook his head. "Men. What can you do?" He then proceeded to drag the nob out, followed by the others.

When the door closed behind them, Liam relaxed, some, then returned to his chair, picking up his book and reading where he had left off.

"I've gotta look at getting into fan-fiction, or something," he muttered to himself. "This place gets too strange when everyone else is working..."
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